Wednesday, September 23, 2009
For every 10 things you do correctly be prepared to be noticed for the 1 thing you do wrong...
If it was as easy as picking up my stuff and leaving I would have been gone 2 months ago, but its not... I don't want to be here as much as you don't want me here... What will ever be solved by a yelling match, absolutely nothing. If you never come and tell me anything until you are upset about it, how can I possibly know??? Alot of the time you have to SPELL THINGS OUT FOR ME, yes I may be bright, but I miss simple things. I really just don't get it, when you are mad you storm around and don't talk to me and I don't read minds. I ask you whats wrong and you always reply "Nothing" But once you have your mind made up about something then thats the end of that. How do you ever expect to be able to resolve things if you are so quick to react. I'm analyzing the situation not just from how I feel but trying to understand how you feel too. But do you really expect your message to be heard if you are screaming??? Idk, just a thought.
Ha ha and after reading through that I pretty much just described myself, weird huh, anyway.
I actually thought I was doing pretty good, staying on top of the curve, I guess not. Granted I could keep my room a little more tidy, clothes everywhere, one of my Frankism that I have to work on. Even if I get better, it probably still wont be good enough, or clean enough, or straight enough.
Sigh, Blogger Im just so ready to get back to Nashville and I wish my plan and path was clear cut. I wish I knew exactly what God had in store for me. Whatever it is it must be great for all the hell that I have been through. I feel like I'm wasting away here. The time has begun to merge, Monday is Friday, Friday is Tuesday and lord knows when Saturdays come around. I miss my sisters and I miss school and I miss using this darn brain of mine. Im going to commit to setting a clear goal for each and everyday. Its time for that to do list! . But I knew this day would come, it was just a matter of when... And I must say we've done pretty well, a good 4 months, lol. But Im not meant to be here for long, this is just a season. Hmmmmm the water is still running, dont know if I should turn it off, I might get yelled at! They say with each generation things are supposed to be better. I hope to do better with Samiya and not leave any room for miscommunication. You know that is the root of most destroyed relationships. How can you possible know if the person never tells you or if you don't exactly understand what they are trying to tell you. Well I think Im done ranting...
Oh Cumberland we shall meet again
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
As I sit and ponder on all that has happened Im not quite sure where exactly my journey will take me, if I said I had all the answers Id be lying in fact Im completely confused. God has however placed someone in my life that has been there for me more than I could have ever imagined. Im so grateful for him, his friendship and his kindness. But im jumping too far ahead, lol, I will never understand how my life ended up like twilight, but its not over and Im determined to write a better ending...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
So I got home really late and exhausted after a day full of activities, I went to the WIC office, I got some milk yall! I went to my aunts job, mind you she works at an elementary school with little bad Pre-k through 6th graders, i dont have to explain the horrors in that, and I also went to a 6 o'clock movie, which is kinda late for me, I saw angels and demons it was pretty good.
But anyway before I actually got home, I was sitting at the Deanwood metro station waiting for the bus to come. And this guy walks by and basically tries to holla at me, the convo went something like this
"How you doin?" the boy asks continuing to walk past me.
"Hi, how are you?" I greet him back politely thinking thats the end of that.
"Can I call you sometimes?" he asks from about 5 feet away
"Umm, No I'm afraid not." I respond
"Why not?" he asks
I gently put my hand on my belly and say "Well things are kind of complicated right now"
"It aint no problem with me" the boy replies
I begin to chuckle astonished by the fact he doesnt mind that Im beyond noticeably preggers.
"You got a boyfriend, you still with yo baby daddy?" he asks
"No" I reply, an obvious grin on my face.
"Oh shit" the boys says as he proceeds to run back and sit next to me
I was truly amazed by the fact that he didnt care that I was pregnant, and even implied that he would take care of the baby and I. One great thing about being pregnant is that the boys will still try to holla but once they get a confirmation that you are indeed pregnant they back off. Dusty DC boys always have a motive so I begin to ask him questions about what he does. Reg flag one, he cannot give me an honest answer about his job description, he's a drug dealer. Red flag two, I told him I was in college and he immediately became disinterested. Red flag three, he didnt even like my quirky and somewhat sarcastic sense of humor, it was way over his head. So he walked away simply dumb founded, he probably thought I was just some hood rat that got knocked up, oh how wrong he was, lol.
Sooooo, the bus finally comes and I get home. Its hot as hell in the house, I mean the thermostat is reading 81 degrees inside the house! I cannot escape the heat so ma tells me to turn on the air and close all the windows. The coolest place in the house is the second room but there is nowhere to sleep in there, so I got some blankets and decided to sleep on the floor. LOL stupid me. I woke up in the middle of the night in soooo much pain, my back was on fire, I could barely stand up. I picked up my blanket and got in the bed with ma.
I will never ever do that again... my body is still sore : (
Saturday, May 23, 2009
"I wasn't in the car"
"I was there, but I wasn't driving"
"I saw somebody else crash the car and run"
"Ok, I was in the car but he held a gun to my head and made me drive and when we crashed he ran away"
No, I'm not making this up, so finally he admits to what he did and begins to cry saying he doesn't want to go to jail because just like the officer he has a newborn at home (I guess from a previous part of the convo when I wasn't eavesdropping well enough) The officers then proceed to read him his rights and our good friend the car thief was then hauled away for holding, because its a holiday weekend he probably wont get processed until Tuesday. Dont commit crimes on Friday folks!!!
So the city has welcomed me home with open arms and because I have a hyper active imagination instead of going back to sleep all I can think of are the million other ways that scenario could have played out tonight.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
No, what am I saying? I need that damn delete button.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
You know ever since I found out I was preggers Ive been a TLC, A&E, Trutv junkie, I like any show that is about real life. Consequently I watch alot of Baby and Wedding shows and everytime I watch them I'm mentally preparing myself for real life, lol. Needless to say I just think Im growing up, Im coming upon a different place in my life and Im wanting different things than I used to. Its not a bad thing, its just different, and Im ready to embrace the change and live the happy full and adult life that God had destined me to live. Now dont get me wrong, just cause you grow up doesnt mean you cant still have fun, you dont have to be stiff and you can even maintain relationships with those friends who arent as far along as you in the Life category, you just have a greater sense of purpose and resposibility that they cant understand just yet in their lives. But Im so excited, Im excited about everything, I cant wait to meet Kohl and the way he's kickin Im sure he's ready to meet me too <3
No greater love...
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
At the end of the day what Ive come to realize is that the burden of my whole mess falls back on her. I'm pregnant, so I obviously cant work to save any money for my baby that is due in July. You are in GA with no source of income and nowhere even for yourself to stay. Everything unfortunately falls back on her, she has the world resting on her shoulders right now and I refuse to be her added burden. I dont know how this is going to work or what is going to happen but WE the people who created the ordeal need to get a plan. We need to work together, there is no more time for you do you and Imma do me, because thats not how this baby was created. The baby was made with us together and the solutions for its livelihood should be made the same way. I refuse to stand in the kitchen and see my mother cry again on the phone with the mortgage people, trying to explain to them that she has a daughter in college who is about to have a baby. This will not be her burden because she did not create the ordeal. The baby is a blessing so lets come up with solutions so it can live a blessed life.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Life the past half month has actually taken a turn for the better, I couldnt be happier, school is great, Im looking at a 4.0 for the semester, yay me. Fraternity and friendships could use work but nothing too crazy, and the BD is actually doing a pretty good job, although I hate to call him that, how about FoC (hence the smaller case o for the preposition). Yea thats better. But umm he is doing well, and our relationship, or whatever it is, is moving in a positive direction.
Im starting to get way too pregnant, and the combination of heat and pregnancy is causing major irritation. Im gettin irritated over the most simple things now and frankly its quite stressful. I wish I could just turn my emotions off. And when I get overly frustrated I cry, when Im sad, I cry, when nothing is wrong, damnit I still cry, lol. I cant stand it!!!! This crying has to stop.
Sigh.... ok that feels better, toodles Blogger, im out this piece!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Its hard cause when you put on a tough front, thats all it really is, a front... but now that Im letting go I want things to be better instantly but it takes time. Not my time, not his time, but God's time. And thats where I am...
Monday, April 6, 2009
Im slick mad cause people really dont do what they say they are gonna do. I was sick last week! I cant even miss class because people are unreliable and good for nothing! Well they may be good for something but they darn sure arent good for taking notes!!! Dang all I wanna do is pass my test but I cant even do that because I failed to get reliable sources, the girl didnt even email me the dag on notes. People are shady man...
I have a test average of 95 in this class, which is decent, and the lowest and I can get on this test and still maintain an A is an 85, that means I can miss 15% of the questions, that gives me plenty of room for error. Ok now I feel a little better. Im bout to get to bed, finally.
Monday, March 30, 2009
If I could be terribly honest right now the truth hurts like hell. But I really feel like I don't even want this baby anymore, just so I could completely and utterly eradicate him from my life. BUT I CANT. So I'm stuck hating him and hating myself for my stupid decisions. For thinking just because he was educated, intelligent, and talented that he was different from any other Nigga. (excuse my language) No I'm sorry but Ive been fooled, cause at the end of the day he is still another Nigga, no better than the ones on the corner selling dope or working at the fast food joint. He ain't nothin, and I was fooled. I allowed myself to be tricked I thought it was gonna be different. He PROMISED it would be different and I believed him but he lied, and I lied to myself by believing him.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
"I'm waiting for the beauty that comes after the pain"
So this is the kind of mindset Im trying to keep, I looked at all the pregnancy websites and they said week 23 is a rough one as far as mood swings and hormonal influence. Im still hangin in there though.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
So long sanity, I bid thee farewell!
Monday, March 2, 2009
But everything on my ipod is all mushy and love-like, Im such an optimist at the end of the day but its gotten easier to just be numb to love and all the stupid things that come with it. Im convinced that being in love is partial insanity. People do some really stupid things when they've been bitten. I'd be lying if I said I didnt miss him. (I seem to be using that line alot lately, lol) but Im thinking maybe its just the idea of him that I miss and not him himself. You know what I mean?
Anyway, Im done rambling, just happy to have her back, I know she has missed me so.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thank God for not making me a quitter....
and for all of YOUR people who think they know me and think and know what Im going through, let them live a day in my shoes, let them live a day of all the bs then tell me how they would react or feel. Im sick of the people who are just out here to put you down, you dont know me, and I DONT want your opinion, or yours, or yours and especially not YOURS!
Man, Im out
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Pregnancy and Feed the children infomercials DO NOT MIX! I was nearly bawling when I saw the little Nigerian boy Alex trying to take care of this 3 younger brothers all alone. They were eating something wheat-based out of a silver basin, and Alex didnt eat at all because he was feeding his brothers. I need a nap before I become any more emotional.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Even <---her outfit will look better than ours.
Well anyway, today was a great day might I add. Very sisterly endeavours indeed! ha ha I crack myself up. But you know the wear and tear of things gets a little stressful and you just slowly lose patience. SOOOO SAI was out all day from shopping for out next musicale, to shopping for rush, to decorating and planning (which was someone elses job, might I add)
But none-the-less it was worth it and fun
We literally just got back from the days festivities, (its 12:30 am here, we left at 12:00 noon) got into it with the people at McDonalds because they cant count, or hear for that matter. BUT to top it all off when I got back to my room, there was one of those lovely little blue stationery's under my door from my roomate tiffany. So she says
Hey Frankie! Could you remember to wipe the toothpaste out the sink and off the counter when you are done brushing your teeth. Thanks in advance...
Now I can do nothing but laugh at this, and in my usual state I would have let it roll off, like all the other little nit-picky bitchy things she does. (She is a great person by the way) (Just highly annoying)
So in my angst I get a piece of blue construction paper (lol) tear it in half and write
Hey Tiff, not to be rude but Ive only been here 3 days and you've already found something to complain about. At this current time I just really dont have the patience for your nit-picking. Thanks in advance for not taking this offensively I just wanted to let you know early.
P.S. No I don't want to talk about it.
And I slid it under her door, now its time for bed, ha ha, I crack myself up.
Friday, February 6, 2009
And for that matter Im still young and Im probably still dumb.
I believe I have fallen out of love with love.
You know the kind that you hear about, happy endings and all that nonsense. Yeah you can still be happy dont get me wrong im not trying to be a pessimist here, but there is a certain quality of REAL love that is hidden from you until you reach it...
Love isnt nice all the time
it doesnt even like you half the time
love can be mean, rude, annoying, and downright difficult.
love wants the best for you but doesnt really know how to obtain it
love makes mistakes, has flaws, and bad breath in the morning
love is NOT perfect!!!
May I repeat LOVE IS NOT PERFECT!!!
it never was, it never will be, its like that last five pounds that you just cant loose, and secretly you dont need to loose it cause it makes you look great!
but somewhere along the lines I have fallen out of love with the idea of love.
some will judge me for this,
I just dont want it anymore, I dont strive for it,
NO I dont want to go sit under a tree and watch the birds fly
NO I have no desire to share my ice cream cone and clean the drippings from your face
NO I dont want to see the panoramic view of the city tucked into your sweater on a brisk fall night
NO I dont want to fall alseep tucked under your shoulder, unashamed by our nakedness
NO I dont want to ride the metro because we are so engrossed and have nothing better to do
NO I dont want to play video games, listen to the latest music, or go on stupid diets
NO I dont want you over every weekend, I dont want my family to love you
NO I dont want to impress you with the taste of my cooking skill
NO I dont want candy, or roses, or poems, or diamonds!!!
(well maybe the diamonds, but I dont want YOU to buy them)
NO I dont want to have this ridiculous obsession with love
what it was supposed to be
what it could be
and what it should have been
as Ewan McGregor said in the Moulin Rouge before leaving the stage and possibly leaving love forever
"Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love"
yea Ewan, I believed once too.
I mean not just the glimpses of things that we remember and things that are clouded because we have blocked them. Not how we remember in our own bias perspective, but a real look. An unbiased, straight forward look into your past, would you really want to?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
This week was indeed a stressful one, I had a prenatal appointment in GA, leaving me to have to make up all the work from my monday classes. Evrything sorta just piled on, and on top of that I had a room check scheduled for today. I actually had a fairly productive day, wasnt in a sour mood but not nessisarily chipper either. Classes went decently, I got my work done and my test in History was postponed.
However because I had been up since 7, got into a huge fight with Josh, and cleaned my room, by the end of the day with no food to keep me going I was literally exhausted. Was spose to have dinner with friends but plans fell through, no biggie just irritating, but we all know what comes after irritation especially when cold and hunger is invovled. So since I have to just eat something quick, I go to the sub. I ALWAYS get a grilled chicked wrap, if they have no grilled chicken then I go somewhere else thats how crucial it is. So I order my food and come to find out, after Ive already paid, that they have no wraps!
So im like thats just great, after minutes of deliberating I decide to get a sub. The fool behind the counter asks me what I want on it. Now granted the standard sanwich comes with meat and cheese. Those are the basics, that is a logical assumption to make, we've all been to fast food/deli places you know how it goes. So I tell him lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. "Any thing else?" he asks. i tell him umm yea cheese too, just to make sure he put the cheese on there so he puts on the cheese, toasts the sandwhich and I leave. Before I can come home, I have to stop by Josh's to pick up some things, so I go get my stuff, mind you we arent the best of friends right now, words are exchanged and I get my stuff and leave....
this again is where Im faced with the dilemma of being strong or letting go:
In all honestly I didnt even know which one to choose, and I didnt realize my choice until I was already reaching for the doorknob, taking my things and leaving without so much as a goodbye.
I reach my apartment in exasperation, he has followed to help me. I tell him I dont need help. And he replys "I just have something to say" Now mind you I havent eaten, its cold outside, and Im carrying a handful of grocery bags amongst other things. He follows me in and unfortuantely me roomate is at the dining room table, so I have to save face and continue to invite him inside.
He is talking and Im opening my food cause im just tired of being stressed, tired of fussing, tired of everything. I open my sandwhich and there is no grilled chicken, just meat, bread, and an assortment of veggies.
So I crack, I couldnt take it anymore, I cried, I broke down,
I chose BOTH....
strong enough to get through the bit that was left but way too much to just swallow and not release. Boy what a day. The only thing to do now would be...
just keep pushing, continue to work, stay focused, until the next time..
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My mom is one of a kind, Ive seen and heard it all with her. But nobody will expect this one. My mom had made it up in her mind that she is not to be called
none of the above
So she has been in ponderance for the last month in a name for the baby to call her, and she has indeed chosen the name...
My mom is a trip, so in immediate protest, I say ma! the baby is not gonna call you dutchess...
Here is how it went
My name is dutchess!
That's what the baby gonna call me insted of grandma
that is not what the baby is gonna call you
I think that cute, not nanna or grandma
Well see what the baby says first
every body gonna want the baby to call them grandma
like who ma?
There can only be ONE and thats DUTCHESS
and josh mom
josh mom should come up with her own name. like grandma sue or peggy
ha ha ha ha ha
you kno u aint right ma
But 4 real DUTCHESS IS COOL MAN!
THAT'S WATS UP!
U EVEN LIKE THAT
its catchy but i could jus imagine that baby running around callin u dutchess
ha ha ha
wat that mean
I could just imagine the baby running around saying "Dutchess, Dutchess"
Absolutely not! So here you go world, meet Dutchess!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Verdict = Unnecessary
No need to pull other people into your mess...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
and dont worry we WILL get to it...
in our own time....
but I wonder how many people's hearts arent this gleeful picture of perfection. Many I'd think, quite a few people have said Frankie you should write and chronicle everything you're going through with the pregnancy and everything. I never thought to commit to it because they'd be the same stories of morning sickness, random nausea, congestion, hormonal and subsequently emotionally imbalance, and the array of other pregnancy symptoms and dreadful wives tales that we have all heard about. But nothing could prepare me for what I felt on a very dreary and brisk yesterday morning. And I wondered do many women feel this way and if so, OMG what do they do about it.
Well I can tell you what I did, I shut the world out and cried almost all day. Yeah it was pretty bad, I felt bad for feeling that way and chastized myself for it by being slightly depressed. It was the most selfish thing I have thought since finding out about the pregnancy. I dont think many people talk about when they are 3 1/2 months into their pregnancy and you are having second thoughts, I mean serious second thoughts. I know as terrible as it may sound its defintely real. I just tried my best to move on from the thoughts and pray I never feel anything like that again.
But we are just ordinary people and I just gotta have some faith and take it slow.