Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Preamble

I'm so sick of going through stuff and having to get up the next day and pretend like nothing ever happened. It hurts. Everything hurts and I continue to just make myself numb to it. I don't forgive you, yes it did happen, no you cant run away from it. Now we are faced with a whole new ball game my friend, and the ball is completely in my court. I don't care how YOU feel anymore, I don't care what YOU think I should do, I don't have to answer to YOU or make YOU happy, I just have to take care of myself and my future child and do what God says. Despite what YOU my think, its Him that's taken care of me all this time and not YOU. However you do owe me, you owe me big time. Its about time for me to write that letter, I can feel it, but for now you only get "The Preamble".

Friday, February 20, 2009

Not a quitter

If I was a quitter I really wouldn't be here right now. I thank God for giving me a spirit of perseverance and endurance, you just don't know how much I would love to BAIL right now, and be with my mom and aunt and the girls, laughin it up in the kitchen on a Friday night.

Thank God for not making me a quitter....

and for all of YOUR people who think they know me and think and know what Im going through, let them live a day in my shoes, let them live a day of all the bs then tell me how they would react or feel. Im sick of the people who are just out here to put you down, you dont know me, and I DONT want your opinion, or yours, or yours and especially not YOURS!

Man, Im out

Thursday, February 19, 2009




Damn those infomercials!

Pregnancy and Feed the children infomercials DO NOT MIX! I was nearly bawling when I saw the little Nigerian boy Alex trying to take care of this 3 younger brothers all alone. They were eating something wheat-based out of a silver basin, and Alex didnt eat at all because he was feeding his brothers. I need a nap before I become any more emotional.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Passing Ponderance

A mindset to write is a mindset to cry, a mindset for truth. Inspiration takes pain. Sucks doesn’t it. You cant say anything if you’ve never been through anything. But is it really all worth it? We will never know until the end. They say the ends justify the means. That means we have to wait a whole damn lifetime before we get it, the rest of the time we are just building up to the epiphany. SUCKS doesn’t it? Lets know now so we can at least spend a portion of life LIVING and not just trying to figure shit out. Overly confused, unjustfully repressed, HOW to be FREE? I guess that’s the real question.
I'm mad cause SAI has to wear black polo's and black slacks to rush. We are going to look like a bunch of waitresses. Welcome to Sigma Alpha Iota how can I help you? Would you like fries with that? Or maybe some roses. Hold the hazing? Oh Im sorry we dont offer that here.

Even <---her outfit will look better than ours.

Out of patience

Wow, I guess Im just out of everything this week...

Well anyway, today was a great day might I add. Very sisterly endeavours indeed! ha ha I crack myself up. But you know the wear and tear of things gets a little stressful and you just slowly lose patience. SOOOO SAI was out all day from shopping for out next musicale, to shopping for rush, to decorating and planning (which was someone elses job, might I add)
But none-the-less it was worth it and fun

We literally just got back from the days festivities, (its 12:30 am here, we left at 12:00 noon) got into it with the people at McDonalds because they cant count, or hear for that matter. BUT to top it all off when I got back to my room, there was one of those lovely little blue stationery's under my door from my roomate tiffany. So she says

Hey Frankie! Could you remember to wipe the toothpaste out the sink and off the counter when you are done brushing your teeth. Thanks in advance...

Now I can do nothing but laugh at this, and in my usual state I would have let it roll off, like all the other little nit-picky bitchy things she does. (She is a great person by the way) (Just highly annoying)

So in my angst I get a piece of blue construction paper (lol) tear it in half and write

Hey Tiff, not to be rude but Ive only been here 3 days and you've already found something to complain about. At this current time I just really dont have the patience for your nit-picking. Thanks in advance for not taking this offensively I just wanted to let you know early.
P.S. No I don't want to talk about it.

And I slid it under her door, now its time for bed, ha ha, I crack myself up.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Out of love with love <3

You want so badly to say "yeah I was just young and dumb, didnt really know what I was doing" and although that may be true you know in your heart no matter how young or dumb you were, it was still real. It still meant something, it happened for a reason.

And for that matter Im still young and Im probably still dumb.

I believe I have fallen out of love with love.

You know the kind that you hear about, happy endings and all that nonsense. Yeah you can still be happy dont get me wrong im not trying to be a pessimist here, but there is a certain quality of REAL love that is hidden from you until you reach it...

Love isnt nice all the time
it doesnt even like you half the time
love can be mean, rude, annoying, and downright difficult.
love wants the best for you but doesnt really know how to obtain it
love makes mistakes, has flaws, and bad breath in the morning
love is NOT perfect!!!

it never was, it never will be, its like that last five pounds that you just cant loose, and secretly you dont need to loose it cause it makes you look great!

but somewhere along the lines I have fallen out of love with the idea of love.
some will judge me for this,

I just dont want it anymore, I dont strive for it,

NO I dont want to go sit under a tree and watch the birds fly
NO I have no desire to share my ice cream cone and clean the drippings from your face
NO I dont want to see the panoramic view of the city tucked into your sweater on a brisk fall night
NO I dont want to fall alseep tucked under your shoulder, unashamed by our nakedness
NO I dont want to ride the metro because we are so engrossed and have nothing better to do
NO I dont want to play video games, listen to the latest music, or go on stupid diets
NO I dont want you over every weekend, I dont want my family to love you
NO I dont want to impress you with the taste of my cooking skill
NO I dont want candy, or roses, or poems, or diamonds!!!
(well maybe the diamonds, but I dont want YOU to buy them)
NO I dont want to have this ridiculous obsession with love

what it was supposed to be
what it could be
and what it should have been

as Ewan McGregor said in the Moulin Rouge before leaving the stage and possibly leaving love forever

"Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love"

yea Ewan, I believed once too.


If you had a chance to look directly in your past would you?

I mean not just the glimpses of things that we remember and things that are clouded because we have blocked them. Not how we remember in our own bias perspective, but a real look. An unbiased, straight forward look into your past, would you really want to?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Strength vs Weakness?

When certain situations arise you ask yourself, is it time to just suck it up or do you break down and let your emotions rest where they may. I guess I made my choice and it actually shocked me.

This week was indeed a stressful one, I had a prenatal appointment in GA, leaving me to have to make up all the work from my monday classes. Evrything sorta just piled on, and on top of that I had a room check scheduled for today. I actually had a fairly productive day, wasnt in a sour mood but not nessisarily chipper either. Classes went decently, I got my work done and my test in History was postponed.
However because I had been up since 7, got into a huge fight with Josh, and cleaned my room, by the end of the day with no food to keep me going I was literally exhausted. Was spose to have dinner with friends but plans fell through, no biggie just irritating, but we all know what comes after irritation especially when cold and hunger is invovled. So since I have to just eat something quick, I go to the sub. I ALWAYS get a grilled chicked wrap, if they have no grilled chicken then I go somewhere else thats how crucial it is. So I order my food and come to find out, after Ive already paid, that they have no wraps!
So im like thats just great, after minutes of deliberating I decide to get a sub. The fool behind the counter asks me what I want on it. Now granted the standard sanwich comes with meat and cheese. Those are the basics, that is a logical assumption to make, we've all been to fast food/deli places you know how it goes. So I tell him lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. "Any thing else?" he asks. i tell him umm yea cheese too, just to make sure he put the cheese on there so he puts on the cheese, toasts the sandwhich and I leave. Before I can come home, I have to stop by Josh's to pick up some things, so I go get my stuff, mind you we arent the best of friends right now, words are exchanged and I get my stuff and leave....

this again is where Im faced with the dilemma of being strong or letting go:

In all honestly I didnt even know which one to choose, and I didnt realize my choice until I was already reaching for the doorknob, taking my things and leaving without so much as a goodbye.
I reach my apartment in exasperation, he has followed to help me. I tell him I dont need help. And he replys "I just have something to say" Now mind you I havent eaten, its cold outside, and Im carrying a handful of grocery bags amongst other things. He follows me in and unfortuantely me roomate is at the dining room table, so I have to save face and continue to invite him inside.
He is talking and Im opening my food cause im just tired of being stressed, tired of fussing, tired of everything. I open my sandwhich and there is no grilled chicken, just meat, bread, and an assortment of veggies.
So I crack, I couldnt take it anymore, I cried, I broke down,

I chose BOTH....

strong enough to get through the bit that was left but way too much to just swallow and not release. Boy what a day. The only thing to do now would be...

just keep pushing, continue to work, stay focused, until the next time..


The abundance of lefty desks in my 11:30 World Lit is, for lack of a better term, annoying! So today I arrive 10 minutes early for class, yayyy for being on time, but to my dismay, my regular desk had been switched with a lefty desk!

"Oh no!" I think to myself "I'm only gone a day and everything has gone awry" So in an effort to have a comfortable class session i construct a plan to switch the lefty desk with a normal one.

I dont know why they make so many lefty desks anyway! Only like 4% of the population is left handed. Talk about a HUGE minority. So lets do the math, there are 4 billion (4,000,000,000) people on the planet, 4% of that is.....




some outrageously small number, so there you go, we have statistics!

So back to my plan, I sit in the 2nd seat in this class, and another girl sits behind me in the 3rd seat. her desk is normal and there is another normal desk against the wall. So my plan is to move my lefty desk to the side, push her normal desk to my regular seating position and replace her desk with the other normal desk that was against the wall. so she agreed

Seems easy right, WRONG!
I go through the entire process and guess what she does, she takes the 2nd seat so Im left with the 3rd! Now in my mind, Im thinking, "Ok no really that was not the plan. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????"

I smile anyway and assume the third chair position all the way in the MIDDLE of the row! i dont think I was even in the t-zone any more!

Blasphemy, so anyway class went on as usual and this time I was just all the way in the middle...


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Introducing Dutchess

Ok im officially tickled!

My mom is one of a kind, Ive seen and heard it all with her. But nobody will expect this one. My mom had made it up in her mind that she is not to be called
none of the above

So she has been in ponderance for the last month in a name for the baby to call her, and she has indeed chosen the name...


My mom is a trip, so in immediate protest, I say ma! the baby is not gonna call you dutchess...
Here is how it went


My name is dutchess!




That's what the baby gonna call me insted of grandma



that is not what the baby is gonna call you






I think that cute, not nanna or grandma





Well see what the baby says first




every body gonna want the baby to call them grandma


like who ma?

jus you


There can only be ONE and thats DUTCHESS


and josh mom


josh mom should come up with her own name. like grandma sue or peggy



ha ha ha ha ha

you kno u aint right ma



ok dutchess






its catchy but i could jus imagine that baby running around callin u dutchess


ha ha ha

wat that mean



you funny

I could just imagine the baby running around saying "Dutchess, Dutchess"
Absolutely not! So here you go world, meet Dutchess!