Thursday, August 11, 2016

Twenty Great?

Hello blogworld,

I needed a more in depth medium to get some things off my chest. I will be 28 in just under 3.5 hours. I have a 2 kids, an almost husband and a career that seems to be going, but not nearly quick enough for my liking. I know this sounds depressing to some and like a dream for others. You know when you ask most people how they feel when they turn another year older, they almost always say they feel the same, but I feel different. 

I feel older, I feel wiser, I feel more confident than I've ever been in my entire life and with all this new found wisdom comes making proper decisions. Today I chose to sacrifice a bit of my own happiness for the greater good of my family. So 28 is for loving yourself fully and truly, 28 is also for sacrifice. 20, 23, and even  26 year old me would not have been equipped to make the hard decision. 

Now in no way am I saying I did so gracefully. Mentally, I kicked and screamed, outwardly I cried and sulked. But I am determined to press through this in a healthy way that doesn't cause me to regress emotionally. Oftentimes we think that burying a situation, hiding our emotions makes us more competent in dealing with struggle. This is completely false. I almost died attempting to bottle up stress and negative emotions. It's okay to be mad, it's okay to sulk, it's perfectly normal to grieve the loss of things dear to you. 

Today I am grieving and that is okay. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I Just Wanna...

I just wanna...

Read books and listen to the roar of the ocean

Decorate homes and make bows

Make love and maybe a little money

Enough to buy green machine and heartily thrift

Write music, poems and prose

Stay up until the sun rises

Never thinking of where the time has gone

No regrets, just cocktails and fist pumps to techno

Middle of the dance floor strobe lights abound

Dancing around white girl style

Glitter converse and bohemian patterns

Beauty, Truth and Love

Above all else, Love

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Frankie, the never destined to be a great orator

I cried today, you know one of those silent cries where the absence of the audible tone makes the tears rush from your eyes and no matter how much you try to keep them at bay they become like a thrashing current.

And then they dry.

You look up with red eyes and foggy glasses at the people who haven't noticed or suspected a thing, and you sigh with relief because now at least you don't have to explain how much you feel like a fuck up every time the words that have formed so eloquently in your head and that have been so beautifully and wittily transcribed to paper, turn all the way to MUSH!
And so your angry, at yourself, at the assignment, and your peers who although they did not attempt to judge you, did so subconsciously. Not with snickers or teases as they do in elementary education, but with the solemn stare of "I'm so glad that's not me" or "Shes so smart why cant she just do this" or the heart wrenching stare of a friend who with their eyes say "Frankie, you can do this". The encouragement hurts worse than the defeat, because in my world that's been filled with parents callings of "Frankie, you can do anything" this is something that I simply cannot do.

Frankie, the never destined to be a great orator

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

People ≠ Groceries

People unlike groceries do not come with an expiration date. And in that I mean when you first meet someone you never know the last time you will see them, you never know when everything will come to an end. No one could have told me that certain relationships in my life would have ended so abruptly. And no one could have prepared me that when I spoke to her a couple of months ago, that would be the last time I'd hear her voice or that last summer would have been the last time I saw her face.
Always with a smile, forever with a heart to help people and a life purposed for something greater than her own. Its rare to meet people who look past themselves, peoples whose life journey has nothing to do with their own motives but everything to do with enriching the welfare of others. If I was ever lost on life's journey, if I ever was unsure about which path to take and where to go, I didn't have to look any further than what the Lord had already placed in my life.
And although I will never get a chance to say goodbye, a chance to let her know the impact she left upon my life, what I can do now is adopt her mission. A mission that she lived by every single day of her life, one that Im positive she exuded each day until she took her last breath. God makes no mistakes, in fact certain things transpire so that we may truly know our right path.

So thank you for everything that you've done. Thank you for your lasting impact, more people in this world should be like you, and from this day I will try to live by your selfless example.   

Monday, June 20, 2011

Taking it all back

Detoxing today because I've been eating rice like its water and I had a steak and a half over the course of 2 days! Ive done so well on this health journey and there is honestly no turning back now. I woke up this morning just feeling so heavy, literally and emotionally. I have to get my life back, and I have to stop running away. Running from myself and from the issues that make life exactly that, LIFE! Ish happens and the faster I face them the more quickly I will heal.

I went to Walmart and got some tea cleanser, splenda, spinach and a green machine. So for breakfast I had watermelon, a cup of spinach blended with 8 ounces of green machine and a bottle of water. And it was sooooo yumm!  

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bringing light to that which is dour,
Beauty that penetrates the three layers
Resonating and reverberating between them
Torn from home in the bosom
Shaken and thrown
She assimilates, adapted
Many at this stage apt to do
However, it is different now
A constant drumming of something amiss
Others acquire and treasure, conquer?
Perhaps, perhaps not
But still not quite abiding
No homely state, still something askew  
The others scrimmage to dominate
The light, beauty, and nature
Wars, they toil and tug until
Of home only traces remain

Subverting Ideologies? or Respressing Them.....???

I started my morning attempting to do something productive instead of wallowing in the regret of these past few months. After waking up in a borrowed room, and sleeping in a borrowed bed, I decided to do my homework that Ive been avoiding since September. There is just something about American Literature with Dr. Irby that grinds my gears. The lady is just so aloof! We were assigned to watch a video entitled Native Voices which illustrated the importance of oral tradition and the true American Narrative. Then I moved to Utopian something or another about the puritans and how they striped the land from the natives and persecuted the Quakers by cutting off their ears and slitting their noses. Lol good stuff right. I then remembered Ethnic Notions, a documentary about the evolution of black stereotypes in America, a topic we vaguely brushed in critically approaches a couple weeks ago. As I was watching the 3rd installment of the series on YouTube, I became intrigued with the way blacks were portrayed in films and media for children.

This led my thought processes to the most recent stain in black culture as it's depicted by Disney, "The Princess and the Frog". I can sit here and repeat everything that every other informed commentator has said but hey we all know she was a frog the entire movie. From that point I googled these exact words [racism + disney]. From my research I came upon a very informative website listing the 9 most racist disney films ever. Now remember, we've all grown up with the Disney classics, so any derivative of that "where dreams come true" persona is taken with disdain. However, the thing that disturbed me most as I went through the list of cartoons was my own reaction. Ive been so interpellated and conditioned that I never realized my enjoyment of these so called "family cartoons". Instead of being disgusted, i found myself tapping my foot and humming along to the jingle of "I want to be like you". When all along disney is spitting in my face, reinforcing the fact that blacks can never be comfortable in their own skin because they are always striving to be white. Striving to change their pigment and relate to something that they simply will never be. Ive been conditioned to overlook the disgraces of society and in consequence Ive become docile. Like the friendly neighborhood Sambo, saying "ye' sah masah sah". Ye sah, white man do whatever you like, stomp on my race and my pride and my people while I obediently smile. Ye sah, white man, close down our HBCU's so that we may assimilate and strive to be something God never intended us to be. "Ye sah masah" as I tap my foot and do a jig to the racist banter you call a disney masterpiece! NO SIR MASTER NOTHING!

I am not a slave. It is wounding that whenever the term "African American" is uttered the subject of slavery has become synonymous with it. Every black person today cares about race relations, I don't truly believe you can find one who does not, but most have been conditioned and trained to be submissive. No longer do we fight; we have become stagnant in our goal for change. Somehow slavery has ended with the election of Obama? But is this not the beginning? Is it not time, now more than ever to overthrow the hegemony and revolt against the ideologies that have suppressed every person who is NOT white. It is time that we no longer consider ourselves as "the other" but now we are "the standard".

If you'd like to view any of the websites and videos they are listed for you below: