How I long to see the Cumberland...

You will never be able to see the good in people if you always focus on their flaws...

For every 10 things you do correctly be prepared to be noticed for the 1 thing you do wrong...

If it was as easy as picking up my stuff and leaving I would have been gone 2 months ago, but its not... I don't want to be here as much as you don't want me here... What will ever be solved by a yelling match, absolutely nothing. If you never come and tell me anything until you are upset about it, how can I possibly know??? Alot of the time you have to SPELL THINGS OUT FOR ME, yes I may be bright, but I miss simple things. I really just don't get it, when you are mad you storm around and don't talk to me and I don't read minds. I ask you whats wrong and you always reply "Nothing" But once you have your mind made up about something then thats the end of that. How do you ever expect to be able to resolve things if you are so quick to react. I'm analyzing the situation not just from how I feel but trying to understand how you feel too. But do you really expect your message to be heard if you are screaming??? Idk, just a thought.

Ha ha and after reading through that I pretty much just described myself, weird huh, anyway.

I actually thought I was doing pretty good, staying on top of the curve, I guess not. Granted I could keep my room a little more tidy, clothes everywhere, one of my Frankism that I have to work on. Even if I get better, it probably still wont be good enough, or clean enough, or straight enough.

Sigh, Blogger Im just so ready to get back to Nashville and I wish my plan and path was clear cut. I wish I knew exactly what God had in store for me. Whatever it is it must be great for all the hell that I have been through. I feel like I'm wasting away here. The time has begun to merge, Monday is Friday, Friday is Tuesday and lord knows when Saturdays come around. I miss my sisters and I miss school and I miss using this darn brain of mine. Im going to commit to setting a clear goal for each and everyday. Its time for that to do list! . But I knew this day would come, it was just a matter of when... And I must say we've done pretty well, a good 4 months, lol. But Im not meant to be here for long, this is just a season. Hmmmmm the water is still running, dont know if I should turn it off, I might get yelled at! They say with each generation things are supposed to be better. I hope to do better with Samiya and not leave any room for miscommunication. You know that is the root of most destroyed relationships. How can you possible know if the person never tells you or if you don't exactly understand what they are trying to tell you. Well I think Im done ranting...

Oh Cumberland we shall meet again

These Kids are Amazing

And they stayed in pitch the entire time!

A time for writing

Soooo after all that fancy stuff down to the real reason Im on blogger in the first place... writing!!! I've decided after a long hiatus (oxymoron) ha ha that it is time to return... I guess I have found the guts to tell the story... its part of the healing process. It will come out slowly but at least I can finally say I'm ready. The lunch with Richard and Mom really inspired me to get moving. Even if I just write a sentence I should write something each and everyday... Whether you like or not, and I dont even have to like it myself, but darnit I need to write SOMETHING... And now I can blog from my phone and tweet from my blog, lol......so here goes

As I sit and ponder on all that has happened Im not quite sure where exactly my journey will take me, if I said I had all the answers Id be lying in fact Im completely confused. God has however placed someone in my life that has been there for me more than I could have ever imagined. Im so grateful for him, his friendship and his kindness. But im jumping too far ahead, lol, I will never understand how my life ended up like twilight, but its not over and Im determined to write a better ending...

Hello blogger, this is me, from my phone

Had a dream last night that I was back at TSU with nowhere to live so I tried to get housing and sneak baby with me... terrible

Fussy Baby, Foolish Mommy

Samiya has been pretty fussy for the last couple of days and Ive become a walking zombie because of it. I'm physically and mentally exhausted and it didnt help that we hung out for the last two days. I was also beginning to wonder if its because I was so sad during my pregnancy. I looked online and tried to find more information and stumbled upon a website that promised 5 secrets of how to care for your fussy baby. It seemed legit and as I kept reading they never tell you what the secrets are, they only say that it works. So after all that it turns out that it costs $4.95 and you can buy the ebook instantly.

Guess what the secrets were

1)Swaddle baby

2) Lay baby on side or stomach

3) Shushing Sounds

4) Rocking baby

5) Sucking (pacifier)

So I just paid $4.95 for them to tell me some shish I already knew.... so blown. In real life I would have never even considered buying it but since it was for Sami and it was only $4.95 I said why not. Lol, Im a sucka for my baby. And on top on that she is still crying and I didnt even get my audio sounds!

Waiting...

Sorry blogger Im waiting for the words to return, the phrases should form themselves, it shouldnt be forced ya know. I'm going through an event overload, dont know where to start and probably would never finish, just know that life has been entirely EPIC. Yea thats the perfect word, I guess I'll be able to tell my tale when I finally reach Ithaca.

Gahhh

Oh NO my baby is coming in 8 days, Im sooooo excited, yay SAMIYA!!!! LOL

I managed a smile...

I rarely come on blogger anymore, but I was about to write this very sad woe is me blog until I read Dori t's and she made me laugh thus making me feel better without even knowing it. Am I still a little upset by the whole ordeal? YES. But am I sad? No not really I actually think Ill be okay for tonight, each time you screw me over, it gets a little easier. Each time you shit on my day by attempting to call or text me with your bs, I get a little stronger. Ohhhhh it hurts like hell now, but im anticipating the beauty that comes after the pain. Samiya is one of the most beautiful things I could have ever asked for (or not asked for, lol) in life and Im so grateful, its cause of her that I get through each day. I just hope that you realize and understand just how much she is worth it, and how blessed you are to even be connected to her, cause if it was up to me... but its not, so I'll leave God to be the judge.

I'm bout to go get my mommy some juice, kick my feet up and call it a night. Transformers 2 was great and I actually had a pretty good day, thanks stephen and nite blogger :)

I have bloggers block... :/

Hurt but not dying

This is the last time I will cry over this and over you, now I know what I must do for me, it may hurt like hell but in a couple of years Ill be looking back and laughing at this. Me and my baby, me and Samiya, God put her here for a reason, she is my charge and I will take care of her to the best of my ability. I dont want you here, we dont want you. How can you miss what you never had?

Everything I do is going to be wrong or its not going to be good enough for you... Now I see where I get it from.

Passing thought

Not to get all serious and anything but...

I finally figured out what is worse then being pregnant and the father of the child is unsupportive, absent, and edging on worthless, being married to that man...

The Worst Mistake : (

I made the biggest mistake of my pregnant life last night...

So I got home really late and exhausted after a day full of activities, I went to the WIC office, I got some milk yall! I went to my aunts job, mind you she works at an elementary school with little bad Pre-k through 6th graders, i dont have to explain the horrors in that, and I also went to a 6 o'clock movie, which is kinda late for me, I saw angels and demons it was pretty good.

But anyway before I actually got home, I was sitting at the Deanwood metro station waiting for the bus to come. And this guy walks by and basically tries to holla at me, the convo went something like this


"How you doin?" the boy asks continuing to walk past me.

"Hi, how are you?" I greet him back politely thinking thats the end of that.

"Can I call you sometimes?" he asks from about 5 feet away

"Umm, No I'm afraid not." I respond

"Why not?" he asks

I gently put my hand on my belly and say "Well things are kind of complicated right now"

"It aint no problem with me" the boy replies

I begin to chuckle astonished by the fact he doesnt mind that Im beyond noticeably preggers.

"You got a boyfriend, you still with yo baby daddy?" he asks

"No" I reply, an obvious grin on my face.

"Oh shit" the boys says as he proceeds to run back and sit next to me

I was truly amazed by the fact that he didnt care that I was pregnant, and even implied that he would take care of the baby and I. One great thing about being pregnant is that the boys will still try to holla but once they get a confirmation that you are indeed pregnant they back off. Dusty DC boys always have a motive so I begin to ask him questions about what he does. Reg flag one, he cannot give me an honest answer about his job description, he's a drug dealer. Red flag two, I told him I was in college and he immediately became disinterested. Red flag three, he didnt even like my quirky and somewhat sarcastic sense of humor, it was way over his head. So he walked away simply dumb founded, he probably thought I was just some hood rat that got knocked up, oh how wrong he was, lol.

Sooooo, the bus finally comes and I get home. Its hot as hell in the house, I mean the thermostat is reading 81 degrees inside the house! I cannot escape the heat so ma tells me to turn on the air and close all the windows. The coolest place in the house is the second room but there is nowhere to sleep in there, so I got some blankets and decided to sleep on the floor. LOL stupid me. I woke up in the middle of the night in soooo much pain, my back was on fire, I could barely stand up. I picked up my blanket and got in the bed with ma.

I will never ever do that again... my body is still sore : (

Welcome Back

Said the city with flying colors, well maybe not flying, but there were definitely blue and red streams of light accompanied by mild sirens. So its Friday night, nothing is really poppin so I fall asleep, as usual, to adult swim, the Oblongs were just about to come on when I found the remote and hit the off button. Mom and I are sleep when we hear this loud crash and the smell of burning rubber, mind you by this time its 3:30 am and I was completely startled. I woke up almost crying and hyperventilating until ma calmed me down, I'm so dramatic, ha ha. But anyway we hear a crash and see the suspects fleeing the scene right from our bedroom window, you can only get this kinda stuff in the city!!! The suspects, black males in white wife beaters, are outside our house on the corner contemplating what to do being though they just crashed the stolen car into a parked car a little ways down the hill. The police arrive, then the EMT's, then a fire truck, so it looks like the circus outside on the corner of 51st and Jay. The more honorable suspect decided to stay and was apprehended by the police and handcuffed to my neighbors fence, meanwhile somebody across the street is persistently yelling "There he go right there, dont let him go, dont let him go!" The police continue to question him and he gives his share of erroneous answers, his story went from

"I wasn't in the car"

to

"I was there, but I wasn't driving"

to

"I saw somebody else crash the car and run"

to

"Ok, I was in the car but he held a gun to my head and made me drive and when we crashed he ran away"

No, I'm not making this up, so finally he admits to what he did and begins to cry saying he doesn't want to go to jail because just like the officer he has a newborn at home (I guess from a previous part of the convo when I wasn't eavesdropping well enough) The officers then proceed to read him his rights and our good friend the car thief was then hauled away for holding, because its a holiday weekend he probably wont get processed until Tuesday. Dont commit crimes on Friday folks!!!

So the city has welcomed me home with open arms and because I have a hyper active imagination instead of going back to sleep all I can think of are the million other ways that scenario could have played out tonight.

Life needs a delete button..

Because this whole carrying your baby and still being in love with you while you silently ravage my heart with each passing day that you dont pick up the phone to just dial and say hey, say bye, say something!!! thing is getting old. Because the nothing is tearing me apart. The silence is killing me, I want you to want to call me, I want you to want to feel my belly when he kicks, I dont want jasper, jacob nor tim, because unfortunately it was none of them who penetrated me with their seed, so it isnt them I need, I need you.

No, what am I saying? I need that damn delete button.

Yayy...

My Pan Pipes came today, and my mom got water on it : /

I think Im ready...

for summer '09!!!

You know ever since I found out I was preggers Ive been a TLC, A&E, Trutv junkie, I like any show that is about real life. Consequently I watch alot of Baby and Wedding shows and everytime I watch them I'm mentally preparing myself for real life, lol. Needless to say I just think Im growing up, Im coming upon a different place in my life and Im wanting different things than I used to. Its not a bad thing, its just different, and Im ready to embrace the change and live the happy full and adult life that God had destined me to live. Now dont get me wrong, just cause you grow up doesnt mean you cant still have fun, you dont have to be stiff and you can even maintain relationships with those friends who arent as far along as you in the Life category, you just have a greater sense of purpose and resposibility that they cant understand just yet in their lives. But Im so excited, Im excited about everything, I cant wait to meet Kohl and the way he's kickin Im sure he's ready to meet me too <3

No greater love...

A letter for you...

Today I have come to realize why my mother is the way she is.... Not her as a total person but why she asks so many questions about the future and what exactly I plan to do about the baby. The fact of the matter is she is under alot of financial stress much of which isnt even her fault but because of someone else who was too lazy to do their job. Had the DC govt been more thorough she wouldnt be in a lot of the mess she is in right now. Despite that, because I know God will make a way even when we as people cant see it, I have truly come to understand now and I am grateful for the enlightenment.
At the end of the day what Ive come to realize is that the burden of my whole mess falls back on her. I'm pregnant, so I obviously cant work to save any money for my baby that is due in July. You are in GA with no source of income and nowhere even for yourself to stay. Everything unfortunately falls back on her, she has the world resting on her shoulders right now and I refuse to be her added burden. I dont know how this is going to work or what is going to happen but WE the people who created the ordeal need to get a plan. We need to work together, there is no more time for you do you and Imma do me, because thats not how this baby was created. The baby was made with us together and the solutions for its livelihood should be made the same way. I refuse to stand in the kitchen and see my mother cry again on the phone with the mortgage people, trying to explain to them that she has a daughter in college who is about to have a baby. This will not be her burden because she did not create the ordeal. The baby is a blessing so lets come up with solutions so it can live a blessed life.

I'm back in DC and having a baby :) Happy mothers day self...

Its getting hot and its time to blog...

Hello blogger I know I havent befriended you in a while and thats because Ive been too busy living to actually sit down and write. Whew.......... things are starting to pick up pace and these last two weeks of school are indeed going to be trying. And on top of that the heat is causing normally sane folk to act a damn fool. I dont like the very first glimpses of summer, people dont know how to handle it.

So recap....

Life the past half month has actually taken a turn for the better, I couldnt be happier, school is great, Im looking at a 4.0 for the semester, yay me. Fraternity and friendships could use work but nothing too crazy, and the BD is actually doing a pretty good job, although I hate to call him that, how about FoC (hence the smaller case o for the preposition). Yea thats better. But umm he is doing well, and our relationship, or whatever it is, is moving in a positive direction.
Im starting to get way too pregnant, and the combination of heat and pregnancy is causing major irritation. Im gettin irritated over the most simple things now and frankly its quite stressful. I wish I could just turn my emotions off. And when I get overly frustrated I cry, when Im sad, I cry, when nothing is wrong, damnit I still cry, lol. I cant stand it!!!! This crying has to stop.

Sigh.... ok that feels better, toodles Blogger, im out this piece!

Im going through something... lol I know it sounds weird cause I seriously have been going through stuff for the last 1 2 3 4 5, last 7 months! But right now I am going through a different type of change. A good change I believe but also a not so good one. Im learning to be vulnerable again, Im taking my guard down.. ha ha and it sucks!

Its hard cause when you put on a tough front, thats all it really is, a front... but now that Im letting go I want things to be better instantly but it takes time. Not my time, not his time, but God's time. And thats where I am...

Yayy and Booo simultaneously

You know this was a great weekend, I got a breakthrough, had an awesome time with my sisters, and kinda released from school and the stress of everything that is going in life, so I cant complain at all, lol BUT....

Im slick mad cause people really dont do what they say they are gonna do. I was sick last week! I cant even miss class because people are unreliable and good for nothing! Well they may be good for something but they darn sure arent good for taking notes!!! Dang all I wanna do is pass my test but I cant even do that because I failed to get reliable sources, the girl didnt even email me the dag on notes. People are shady man...

I have a test average of 95 in this class, which is decent, and the lowest and I can get on this test and still maintain an A is an 85, that means I can miss 15% of the questions, that gives me plenty of room for error. Ok now I feel a little better. Im bout to get to bed, finally.

Nite

.......

I'm really just sick of everything,

If I could be terribly honest right now the truth hurts like hell. But I really feel like I don't even want this baby anymore, just so I could completely and utterly eradicate him from my life. BUT I CANT. So I'm stuck hating him and hating myself for my stupid decisions. For thinking just because he was educated, intelligent, and talented that he was different from any other Nigga. (excuse my language) No I'm sorry but Ive been fooled, cause at the end of the day he is still another Nigga, no better than the ones on the corner selling dope or working at the fast food joint. He ain't nothin, and I was fooled. I allowed myself to be tricked I thought it was gonna be different. He PROMISED it would be different and I believed him but he lied, and I lied to myself by believing him.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...

This came to me yesterday, I kinda had a rough day, mentally anyway, and I said this to myself


"I'm waiting for the beauty that comes after the pain"


So this is the kind of mindset Im trying to keep, I looked at all the pregnancy websites and they said week 23 is a rough one as far as mood swings and hormonal influence. Im still hangin in there though.

And the night just gets better

I just found out operation repo is not real... I love that show! It comes on TRUtv and they repossess peoples cars and the people get mad!!! ha ha like really mad, but google isnt always a good thing cause sometimes you find out things you dont wanna know. Sigh, I feel terribly misled. Suposedly its all scripted and they are just actors. It all kinda makes sense now because if a big tattoo'd lady dressed like an emo approached my car and cursed me out, I'd be mad too. Oh well some things you just have to get over, Im still gonna watch it! NEW EPISODES EVERY MONDAY AT 9pm est!!!!!

A little more broken hearted

Ehh, ever been really looking forward to something, like one of those secret little joys that you hold onto in the mist of everything else thats going on. Yea it was like that. I never expected it in a million years, no like seriously. I think my heart is a little more broken. It may not be that crucial in the grand scale of life, but its something that means a great deal to me, something that I had hoped to share. It hurts but I've decided Im not gonna cry, there are plenty of other things to cry about.

A little lighter

I love nights like these, the ones that remind you of the older times. Its funny how you can be so wrapped up in what has been placed in front of you that you dont bother to look ahead or behind. Its like your mental capacity cant go farther than that place until something snatches you away from it. And tonight I was snatched. Snatched back to a time where the world was just a little lighter, and the weight of everyday life wasnt resting unstably on my shoulders. Not necessarily a happier time, happier would be the wrong word, but lighter. It was easier to joke, easier to smile, still some trials, but laughing wasnt such a struggle, ya know. I think Ive been taking myself a little too seriously. Maybe I should lighten up. Still take care of business but it wouldnt hurt to lighten up.

I dont know why I continue to torture myself...

Literature Overload!

For some reason Im just terribly frazzled today. Im jittery, I slept, but not too well, the baby was doing acrobatics in my stomach this morning as usual but idk, Im just weird and jittery and I cant focus. I guess cause I just took this World Lit midterm and its making me crazy, Ive actually been going around talking in 17th century English prose, well in my head at least, lol. Im tripping though. I need to relax before this history test at 3 o clock. I didnt even want to eat my yogurt this morning but I forced myself. I dreamt about Prospero the entire night thats probably whats wrong with me, its a Literature overload!!!!! Which further proves why ALL english professors are crazy. I love the humanities, but Ill scream if I have to cram my head with another theme, genre, or century of origin.
So long sanity, I bid thee farewell!

My forgotten mistress

I charged my ipod today, after months without my ipod charger, lol, it happened to be in that black purse that ma bought for christmas. Ha ha! Love you ma! But yea, I miss music, my forgotten mistress, Ive been so focused on school and the woes of life that I havent taken the time out to enjoy the things that I used to. Like tuning out the entire world, bumping to my ipod and unknowingly mean-muggin people in the process. lol! How I miss those days! I was gonna buy dori's ipod but I really think Im gonna wait, I couldnt bear to erase all the music on that 30-gig masterpiece, it feels like it should be a sin to destroy such a collection.
But everything on my ipod is all mushy and love-like, Im such an optimist at the end of the day but its gotten easier to just be numb to love and all the stupid things that come with it. Im convinced that being in love is partial insanity. People do some really stupid things when they've been bitten. I'd be lying if I said I didnt miss him. (I seem to be using that line alot lately, lol) but Im thinking maybe its just the idea of him that I miss and not him himself. You know what I mean?
Anyway, Im done rambling, just happy to have her back, I know she has missed me so.

The Preamble

I'm so sick of going through stuff and having to get up the next day and pretend like nothing ever happened. It hurts. Everything hurts and I continue to just make myself numb to it. I don't forgive you, yes it did happen, no you cant run away from it. Now we are faced with a whole new ball game my friend, and the ball is completely in my court. I don't care how YOU feel anymore, I don't care what YOU think I should do, I don't have to answer to YOU or make YOU happy, I just have to take care of myself and my future child and do what God says. Despite what YOU my think, its Him that's taken care of me all this time and not YOU. However you do owe me, you owe me big time. Its about time for me to write that letter, I can feel it, but for now you only get "The Preamble".

Not a quitter

If I was a quitter I really wouldn't be here right now. I thank God for giving me a spirit of perseverance and endurance, you just don't know how much I would love to BAIL right now, and be with my mom and aunt and the girls, laughin it up in the kitchen on a Friday night.

Thank God for not making me a quitter....

and for all of YOUR people who think they know me and think and know what Im going through, let them live a day in my shoes, let them live a day of all the bs then tell me how they would react or feel. Im sick of the people who are just out here to put you down, you dont know me, and I DONT want your opinion, or yours, or yours and especially not YOURS!

Man, Im out

GRRRR!!!

THIS IS WHAT'S IRRITATING, YOU SAY "DONT TOUCH MY GATORADE" AND YOU LOOK IN THE REFRIGERATOR A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER AND ITS GONE!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRR, THIS IS FRUSTRATING, NOW I'M THIRSTY AND PISSED!

Damn those infomercials!

Pregnancy and Feed the children infomercials DO NOT MIX! I was nearly bawling when I saw the little Nigerian boy Alex trying to take care of this 3 younger brothers all alone. They were eating something wheat-based out of a silver basin, and Alex didnt eat at all because he was feeding his brothers. I need a nap before I become any more emotional.

Passing Ponderance

A mindset to write is a mindset to cry, a mindset for truth. Inspiration takes pain. Sucks doesn’t it. You cant say anything if you’ve never been through anything. But is it really all worth it? We will never know until the end. They say the ends justify the means. That means we have to wait a whole damn lifetime before we get it, the rest of the time we are just building up to the epiphany. SUCKS doesn’t it? Lets know now so we can at least spend a portion of life LIVING and not just trying to figure shit out. Overly confused, unjustfully repressed, HOW to be FREE? I guess that’s the real question.

I'm mad cause SAI has to wear black polo's and black slacks to rush. We are going to look like a bunch of waitresses. Welcome to Sigma Alpha Iota how can I help you? Would you like fries with that? Or maybe some roses. Hold the hazing? Oh Im sorry we dont offer that here.

Even <---her outfit will look better than ours.

Out of patience

Wow, I guess Im just out of everything this week...

Well anyway, today was a great day might I add. Very sisterly endeavours indeed! ha ha I crack myself up. But you know the wear and tear of things gets a little stressful and you just slowly lose patience. SOOOO SAI was out all day from shopping for out next musicale, to shopping for rush, to decorating and planning (which was someone elses job, might I add)
But none-the-less it was worth it and fun

We literally just got back from the days festivities, (its 12:30 am here, we left at 12:00 noon) got into it with the people at McDonalds because they cant count, or hear for that matter. BUT to top it all off when I got back to my room, there was one of those lovely little blue stationery's under my door from my roomate tiffany. So she says

Hey Frankie! Could you remember to wipe the toothpaste out the sink and off the counter when you are done brushing your teeth. Thanks in advance...

Now I can do nothing but laugh at this, and in my usual state I would have let it roll off, like all the other little nit-picky bitchy things she does. (She is a great person by the way) (Just highly annoying)

So in my angst I get a piece of blue construction paper (lol) tear it in half and write

Hey Tiff, not to be rude but Ive only been here 3 days and you've already found something to complain about. At this current time I just really dont have the patience for your nit-picking. Thanks in advance for not taking this offensively I just wanted to let you know early.
P.S. No I don't want to talk about it.

And I slid it under her door, now its time for bed, ha ha, I crack myself up.

Out of love with love <3

You want so badly to say "yeah I was just young and dumb, didnt really know what I was doing" and although that may be true you know in your heart no matter how young or dumb you were, it was still real. It still meant something, it happened for a reason.

And for that matter Im still young and Im probably still dumb.

I believe I have fallen out of love with love.

You know the kind that you hear about, happy endings and all that nonsense. Yeah you can still be happy dont get me wrong im not trying to be a pessimist here, but there is a certain quality of REAL love that is hidden from you until you reach it...

Love isnt nice all the time
it doesnt even like you half the time
love can be mean, rude, annoying, and downright difficult.
love wants the best for you but doesnt really know how to obtain it
love makes mistakes, has flaws, and bad breath in the morning
love is NOT perfect!!!

May I repeat LOVE IS NOT PERFECT!!!
it never was, it never will be, its like that last five pounds that you just cant loose, and secretly you dont need to loose it cause it makes you look great!

but somewhere along the lines I have fallen out of love with the idea of love.
some will judge me for this,

I just dont want it anymore, I dont strive for it,

NO I dont want to go sit under a tree and watch the birds fly
NO I have no desire to share my ice cream cone and clean the drippings from your face
NO I dont want to see the panoramic view of the city tucked into your sweater on a brisk fall night
NO I dont want to fall alseep tucked under your shoulder, unashamed by our nakedness
NO I dont want to ride the metro because we are so engrossed and have nothing better to do
NO I dont want to play video games, listen to the latest music, or go on stupid diets
NO I dont want you over every weekend, I dont want my family to love you
NO I dont want to impress you with the taste of my cooking skill
NO I dont want candy, or roses, or poems, or diamonds!!!
(well maybe the diamonds, but I dont want YOU to buy them)
NO I dont want to have this ridiculous obsession with love

WITH:
what it was supposed to be
what it could be
and what it should have been

as Ewan McGregor said in the Moulin Rouge before leaving the stage and possibly leaving love forever

"Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love"

yea Ewan, I believed once too.

Question?

If you had a chance to look directly in your past would you?

I mean not just the glimpses of things that we remember and things that are clouded because we have blocked them. Not how we remember in our own bias perspective, but a real look. An unbiased, straight forward look into your past, would you really want to?

Strength vs Weakness?

When certain situations arise you ask yourself, is it time to just suck it up or do you break down and let your emotions rest where they may. I guess I made my choice and it actually shocked me.

This week was indeed a stressful one, I had a prenatal appointment in GA, leaving me to have to make up all the work from my monday classes. Evrything sorta just piled on, and on top of that I had a room check scheduled for today. I actually had a fairly productive day, wasnt in a sour mood but not nessisarily chipper either. Classes went decently, I got my work done and my test in History was postponed.
However because I had been up since 7, got into a huge fight with Josh, and cleaned my room, by the end of the day with no food to keep me going I was literally exhausted. Was spose to have dinner with friends but plans fell through, no biggie just irritating, but we all know what comes after irritation especially when cold and hunger is invovled. So since I have to just eat something quick, I go to the sub. I ALWAYS get a grilled chicked wrap, if they have no grilled chicken then I go somewhere else thats how crucial it is. So I order my food and come to find out, after Ive already paid, that they have no wraps!
So im like thats just great, after minutes of deliberating I decide to get a sub. The fool behind the counter asks me what I want on it. Now granted the standard sanwich comes with meat and cheese. Those are the basics, that is a logical assumption to make, we've all been to fast food/deli places you know how it goes. So I tell him lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. "Any thing else?" he asks. i tell him umm yea cheese too, just to make sure he put the cheese on there so he puts on the cheese, toasts the sandwhich and I leave. Before I can come home, I have to stop by Josh's to pick up some things, so I go get my stuff, mind you we arent the best of friends right now, words are exchanged and I get my stuff and leave....

this again is where Im faced with the dilemma of being strong or letting go:

In all honestly I didnt even know which one to choose, and I didnt realize my choice until I was already reaching for the doorknob, taking my things and leaving without so much as a goodbye.
I reach my apartment in exasperation, he has followed to help me. I tell him I dont need help. And he replys "I just have something to say" Now mind you I havent eaten, its cold outside, and Im carrying a handful of grocery bags amongst other things. He follows me in and unfortuantely me roomate is at the dining room table, so I have to save face and continue to invite him inside.
He is talking and Im opening my food cause im just tired of being stressed, tired of fussing, tired of everything. I open my sandwhich and there is no grilled chicken, just meat, bread, and an assortment of veggies.
So I crack, I couldnt take it anymore, I cried, I broke down,

I chose BOTH....

strong enough to get through the bit that was left but way too much to just swallow and not release. Boy what a day. The only thing to do now would be...

just keep pushing, continue to work, stay focused, until the next time..

Lefty

The abundance of lefty desks in my 11:30 World Lit is, for lack of a better term, annoying! So today I arrive 10 minutes early for class, yayyy for being on time, but to my dismay, my regular desk had been switched with a lefty desk!

"Oh no!" I think to myself "I'm only gone a day and everything has gone awry" So in an effort to have a comfortable class session i construct a plan to switch the lefty desk with a normal one.

I dont know why they make so many lefty desks anyway! Only like 4% of the population is left handed. Talk about a HUGE minority. So lets do the math, there are 4 billion (4,000,000,000) people on the planet, 4% of that is.....

...................

....................

.........................

some outrageously small number, so there you go, we have statistics!

So back to my plan, I sit in the 2nd seat in this class, and another girl sits behind me in the 3rd seat. her desk is normal and there is another normal desk against the wall. So my plan is to move my lefty desk to the side, push her normal desk to my regular seating position and replace her desk with the other normal desk that was against the wall. so she agreed

Seems easy right, WRONG!

I go through the entire process and guess what she does, she takes the 2nd seat so Im left with the 3rd! Now in my mind, Im thinking, "Ok no really that was not the plan. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????"

I smile anyway and assume the third chair position all the way in the MIDDLE of the row! i dont think I was even in the t-zone any more!

Blasphemy, so anyway class went on as usual and this time I was just all the way in the middle...

sigh

Introducing Dutchess

Ok im officially tickled!

My mom is one of a kind, Ive seen and heard it all with her. But nobody will expect this one. My mom had made it up in her mind that she is not to be called
grandma,
nana,
gram,
grannie,
grandmother,
nannie,
none of the above

So she has been in ponderance for the last month in a name for the baby to call her, and she has indeed chosen the name...

Dutchess!


My mom is a trip, so in immediate protest, I say ma! the baby is not gonna call you dutchess...
Here is how it went

7:52pmSonquela

My name is dutchess!

7:52pmFrankie

lololololol

7:52pmSonquela

That's what the baby gonna call me insted of grandma

7:52pmFrankie

NO MA!

that is not what the baby is gonna call you

7:52pmSonquela

Why?

7:52pmFrankie

lol

7:52pmSonquela

I think that cute, not nanna or grandma

Dutchess

7:53pmFrankie

mom!

7:53pmSonquela

Well see what the baby says first

7:53pmFrankie

lol

7:54pmSonquela

every body gonna want the baby to call them grandma

7:54pmFrankie

like who ma?

jus you

7:54pmSonquela

There can only be ONE and thats DUTCHESS

7:54pmFrankie

and josh mom

7:54pmSonquela

josh mom should come up with her own name. like grandma sue or peggy

7:54pmFrankie

lol

ha ha ha ha ha

you kno u aint right ma

7:56pmFrankie

lol

ok dutchess

7:56pmSonquela

But 4 real DUTCHESS IS COOL MAN!

THAT'S WATS UP!

U EVEN LIKE THAT

7:57pmFrankie

its catchy but i could jus imagine that baby running around callin u dutchess

7:57pmSonquela

ha ha ha

wat that mean

7:57pmFrankie

lol

you funny

I could just imagine the baby running around saying "Dutchess, Dutchess"
Absolutely not! So here you go world, meet Dutchess!

Quick thought

Im starving and I have no food in my room, its time to go to Walmart, once again...
hold on Kohl we will make it to the promised land.

sigh....

So I want somebody to explain to me how you EAT and SING at the same time, cause once I learn that shit imma be on point. But no forreal and dont come in eating a stinky ass subway sandwhich all them damn onions and oil and vinegar and ham and shit. Damn! Gave me a headache...

Its called courtesy

Its called courtesy BITCH! Which obviously you lack! Ive been in this class since day one and you just happen to sit in Nathan's seat so I politely ask "Are you in this class" to which you reply "yes" and as I walk away to reseat myself and my Tuesday-Thursday class companion you sneakily reply "I didn't know we had assigned seats"

I dont know if you meant for me to hear that but know that because of certain circumstances my senses are stealthy. So yea after your arrogant remark I reply "We don't honey, its not that crucial" "Its not that crucial!"

LOL. im entirely hostile, my heart was racing after that, lol then class started and I was happy cause we were speaking Spanish, my Tuesday-Thursday class companion and I!

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So lets rewind to my 11:20 cultural anthropology class, I kept itching the entire time, and my hands smell terrible, idk why and even after I wash them they still stink, idk its prolly just me! But Mamoud was killing me this morning with his hour and a half long monotonous lecture on Anthropological theory! And on top of that he was attacking me with the stench of his dry erase marker, and I dont even sit in the front row in that class, I sit in the 2nd and I could still smell it!!!  Ok im done... 

Im starving Spanish is almost over and Im going to get a grilled chicken spinach wrap from the sub!!! 

The solution!!!!

OH NO IM STILL A BIO GEEK, lol

bumped into this on the internet, HILARIOUS!!!!




If you cant read it, it says:

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate"

Bus ride

Wrote this on the bus the other night... jus some thoughts

Nothing like a long busride to clear your head

I just hope the bus can make it back. lol

It keeps shutting down! You know if Nashville had an accesible public transportation system the city wouldnt be so bad. I miss the bus. Whenever you have a bad day just get on a bus and go somewhere you've never gone before. This actually feels like more familiar territory and it reminds me of home

I sure hope God made me this way for a reason.

I need to make a character for creatice writing anyway so here goes lets starts when the cons since they are oh so prevalent.

Con- stubborn, irrational

Ok thats the third time the bus shut down, I think Ive actually lived some of the craziness people only dream of. So back to what I was doing:

Cons

irrational

stubborn

mean

spiteful

selfish

intolerant

arrogant

Pros

giving

intelligent

joyful

independent

individual

charming

logical

Notice a trend here?

Many of these traits can be transcribed into a pro or a con, depending on the circumstance given that will be the side of the spectrum that is portrayed. So im a walking oxymoron!

Josh really has that stalker effect. It really would be better if he just left me! Not like end the relationship but just really leave when its time to leave, but he doesnt. So instead of driving away like a normal person, he is making it known that he's gonna follow me ALL the way home. He's parked across from the bus for goodness sakes!!!

He's the biggest advocate for relationship privacy but he is always being a sell-out and calling people when times get hard. You know how many times I could have called people? But I didnt cause Im not gonna drag others into my mess! Especially friends! People lose good friends like that.

The bus finally pulled off 9:26pm

Now he has me all paranoid scoping out every car that drives by...

I didnt know Antioch had a feminine definite article.

Wow alot of people ride the bus at night, I wonder if its due to the economy.

Ehh the truth of the story sounds so boring

Girl + Boy go to mall. Boy tells girl to find her own way home and storms off. Boy is remorseful, comes back, apoligizes and asks girl to be rational. Girl elects to take bus home instead of riding home with boy. Boy parks outside of bus and follows until girl reaches destination.

That doesnt make for the next best seller!

Im still in Murfreesboro somewhere 9:50pm

I can see the city I think we are almost there. Made it 10:05

The desolation of a nightfall struck Nashville is piercing. The only thing left to comfort are the flashing yellow and red of the streetlights and the chirp of the automated crosswalk bird.

The Verdict

Yeah everybody is pretty much overdoing everything, no one really knows what happened except for the people that were there, and the mixed message that was relayed. Simply a one sided second hand account, duh I knew what I was doing, I wasn't running away I was making a point, I was really chill, in fact he was the one over reacting, at least in my sight. I never had any intention of harming myself nor anyone else, Ive done worse things than catch the bus home by myself, so the general consensus is, its not that crucial.

Verdict = Unnecessary

No need to pull other people into your mess...

And this is why..

We are twins. Cause Dorian Michele (with one L) Townsend is always on my same wavelength. Why suffer through tryna pry yourself away from a hot shower and the bed when you can give in. No need to worry about disappointing the other person with a lame excuse cause they already have their own lame excuse lined up. Yay dori, I heart you.

and dont worry we WILL get to it...

eventually,

in our own time....

Ordinary People

So its Sunday morning, partially clear skies with sunshine,

but I wonder how many people's hearts arent this gleeful picture of perfection. Many I'd think, quite a few people have said Frankie you should write and chronicle everything you're going through with the pregnancy and everything. I never thought to commit to it because they'd be the same stories of morning sickness, random nausea, congestion, hormonal and subsequently emotionally imbalance, and the array of other pregnancy symptoms and dreadful wives tales that we have all heard about. But nothing could prepare me for what I felt on a very dreary and brisk yesterday morning. And I wondered do many women feel this way and if so, OMG what do they do about it.

Well I can tell you what I did, I shut the world out and cried almost all day. Yeah it was pretty bad, I felt bad for feeling that way and chastized myself for it by being slightly depressed. It was the most selfish thing I have thought since finding out about the pregnancy. I dont think many people talk about when they are 3 1/2 months into their pregnancy and you are having second thoughts, I mean serious second thoughts. I know as terrible as it may sound its defintely real. I just tried my best to move on from the thoughts and pray I never feel anything like that again.

But we are just ordinary people and I just gotta have some faith and take it slow.