Dear lord

Dear lord, jus take it all away.

Oh how I just wish to be a tree, a blade of grass proud and strong, a cloud drifting toward nowhere and everywhere simultaneously, to be one with the element with nature instead of this humanly flesh. But you made me this way for a purpose and I hope that purpose I will fulfill. Just show me the way oh lord, the way in which you would have me go. At this time I need guidance, I am broken lord and I cannot put the pieces back together all alone. As soon as I pick up one piece another falls.
Oh how I just wish to be a butterfly colorful and free, a bird singing gleefully in the breeze, to be one with the ocean a continuous flow. But you called me to such a life as this for a reason and that reason I pray to uphold. Oh God of all things just help me at this time oh lord I have nowhere else to turn nowhere to go.

This cant be real

Wow I really feel like crying, my ipod just broke... It wasnt like that 24 hrs ago, i took it outta my purse and it was broken. life will never be the same

Acoustic Love pt 2

Acoustic guitars play in the foreground of my mind
The lullaby of wood and strings intertwine
As they captivate me and pull with a sweet dissonance
Resolve will you not, oh chord in my dream
Or will you leave me hanging over the clef
Trying to find my tonal center

There is something that is ever so powerful in the musical experience, music, poetry, writing, painting, drawing, drama, all of the arts I feel like I have gotten a piece of them and can somehow string them together to make something great.

But this post is not about me so i digress...

More so it is about the musical experience, I dont know how many of you have felt this sensation but it is one of power. The sheer eclecticisms and beauty of making music is an unspeakable thing. I almost cannot put in into words. But I'll try

Acoustic guitars play in the foreground of my mind
and with its melody I am smitten

The only utterances spilling from my lips are those of musical addition
simple rhythmic harmony

Let the music take your soul, Let the music take your soul, and let its content spill from you with no bounds

Leap into forward motion with creative thought and unorthodox ideology, Let the music take your soul

To where you thought you'd never go, you want to stay and go away with the melody that has been in your heart

The melody you've only ever dreamed of...

And that didnt even do it justice, so where did this all come from?

Well Josh and I went to cafe coco last night to grab some food and get some homework done. We sat in the back where they usually have jam sessions and what not. So there is this kid with his acoustic guitar and he has a group of friends with him and they are just jammin. And Im feelin it so I start quietly singing to the beat he's playing you know nothing serious just playing around. So Josh was like "why dont you go over there". I replied "No I cant" laughing to myself. "Why not?" he asked in response I say "well because I just cant and besides its getting late we have go and get some work done"

So we are on our way out and guess what he does!!!!!??????!!!!! He stops right before we are leaving and strikes up a convo with the guy. I was like oh no! So they are small talking about Boodie's performance at coco's last month and some other things so Josh says "Oh yea you know she sings" and points to me. I was like OMG i cant believe he just did that. To make a long story short, I wound up singing with the guy, just free flowing all about the music no pretense no pressure, just a genuine an honest love and enjoyment for the craft, and it clicked.

Thats what its about, its about the art and the enjoyment of it, as long as you love what you are doing how can you go wrong, just keep an honest and sincere heart and you wont be led astray.

But I will admit you have to be careful because things like music connect people especially when they are doing it together. Me and the guy were running back and forth and there is a deeper connection when you are feelin the vibe. Its like multiple musical orgasms...lol

But anyway it was a great experience, dont ever be afraid to do whats in your heart

All she wrote...

What I am trying to compel people to understand is that I am using this as an outlet a tool to focus my innermost thoughts and energies toward. I am indeed a very poetic and dramatic person so my words will be crafted as such. And thats all she wrote...

Some of our greatest inspiration comes from our greatest failure...

So I thought I could dance

....Then I realized I can't.

Sooo I guess I read minds too!

So if you are feeling something and you dont say anything how is the person ever suppose to know. Goodness! Im so sick of bullshit that its not funny. Yes I am a woman, Yes I am fucking emotional especially when I see the people around me hurting and/or am hurting myself. I dont have time to explain myself when you dont even have time to tell me the damn issue

I wanna scream and say fuck it all.

So here goes

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and FUCK IT!!!

Scattered thoughts, Unstable mind

I hate coming back to my room, it depresses me... I haven't cried in a few days I think I'll just sit and have a good cry.




There, now I feel a bit worse, ha ha.

There is a wasp on the wall. Sigh Thats the second one I think they have a nest or coven or whatever you call it, somewhere nearby. Whatever if I get stung and whatever if I dont, it doesnt matter. I just wish it'd shut up its damned noise, Ill just turn my music up.

This constant compromise between thinking and breathing...

I feel so blah

Biology, Spanish, English Oh My!

So I'm sitting in Ecology, a class created by the system to torture us young and oh so innocent Bio majors and the occasional and unsuspecting non-majors that float in here and there. And I've decided I'm not gonna be a Bio major anymore! LOL I'm changing my major, the idea of it is scary isn't it? But to be honest with myself it's not where my heart is. I shouldn't dread coming to class because later in life I will dread going to work. Its at this time in life that we carve the shell of our destiny; what we choose now sets the path for our future. So I haven't decided exactly what I'm gonna do, I'm thinking on the lines of Poetic Singer Songwriter Spanish Speaking Extraordinaire. LOL Silly I know. The good part is, I'm a double major so I'm going to keep my Spanish major, drop Biology and I'm contemplating adding English.

Backbone

Niggas aint got no backbone, yea I said it, and yea I mean it. Niggas is shady, indecisive, trifflin, stupid, and they are always gonna want what they never had. Yea I may sound like an angry black woman right now but there is a reason so many of us are angry. Cause dudes aint got they shit straight and we the "good girls" gotta pay for what some other bitch did. Fuck the otha bitch cause its me now, and the longer you dont realize it the quicker you will loose this good thing...

This is for all the niggas who aint got no backbone that includes the ones who been talking to ya girl for a year and still wont commit talkin bout they jus wanna have they fun, that includes the niggas who wont call they girl all week knowin she been sick, can a bitch jus get some cambels soup, let alone a phone call or maybe thas askin too much. This also includes the nigga who jus wont tell that clingy nappy headed heifer to go to fuck home and stop showin up at his house, I mean keep it simple I'd jus give her a "Bitch get out" but than again thas jus me. This includes the ones that will break up with ya girl for no apparent reason knowing she carried ya seed and stood by your ass and you still did her dirty. And also all the niggas that be blowin up ya girl's phone askin when we gonna hang out, grow some balls, betta yet get some Viagra and grow a dick. This includes all the bitches that did these "potentially good men" dirty leaving us to clean it up.

So fuck all you sheisty, illegitamite, arrogant, and sometimes just down right mean Niggas. Cause you will always want what you almost but never had!
Im chunkin the deuces, Peace.

You melt my heart to stone...

Sigh........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ now breathe

Trouble Sleeping

Its hard to be brutally honest with yourself when you never know exactly what ur feeling or even why you feel the way you do. The feeling of no matter how happy you seem there is always this burning sadness somewhere in your heart. I don't know where this came from or when it started its just always been there. Slowing consuming me, and I think I can honestly contribute my happiness to my everlasting sorrow. This hole that lies dormant in my heart forces the greater good out of me. Otherwise I'd be and i quote "All Bad"

So it all really started this summer...

As i look across the blackened sky with tears clouding my vision, I realize once again that life is a bitch, and she just raped me again. With the pain of my broken pride but not so broken bones I pick myself up to make a journey I thought I'd never. Face scarred, hands still shaken, rage, resentment, remorse all swallowed into one frustrated trot away from all I'd ever known.

You see she was my all and all, God stragetically placed her there to bring me through, had her on assignment but Satan is crafty and busy as usual. He wedged himself right inbetween what we thought to be our happy home. Something for us that was well over due. You see we were never your average family, I was never the average kid. Mom did what she had to, maybe sold some mary jane here and some powder there. Although if she had known then what she knows now, I think she would have made better choices. But I never spent a day hungry, but I spent many a nights lonely. Only me and her, she was my all and all, all Ive ever known.


So imagine somebody telling you that everything you know and have ever leanred in life is a lie? Ha ha, imagine someone "turning your world upside down, tearing asunder your illusions, and sending the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you." Can you even imagine what that shit would feel like? Me neither and I thought I'd never have to.

I keep a steady pace as I walk through the poisoned streets of Notheast DC. Not really on alert although at this time of night I should be. Too guarded and flustered by the recent events to actually take into account any safety precaution. And too far gone to care even if the worst were to happen. Ha I laugh to myslef, "If I were kidnapped and killed right now, they would actually realize how much they care" ha ha, i burst out once more with a sadistic yet cynical laugh. A reoccuring thought to me though of how my death would move them but in life am i nothing?




But thats all for now cause its late and Im feeling so tired, having trouble sleeping....


...To be continued

Control?

As much as I don't like to admit it, the truth of the matter is my blog doesn't really belong to me. As much as Id like to say and feel confidently saying, this is Frankie's blog, I absolutely cannot. Our blogs belong to the people who inspire us, the people who give us the creative genius, the people who influence our thoughts and emotions. Its really in their hands, we cant effectively blog and say this is completely for me and no one else. So I believe its my time to make a disclaimer, what you may see here you may not like but its time to get real with myself and really spill it on how I feel. Its time to take control and take ownership of what is essentially supposed to be mine. Its my work, my thinking processes, my typing, my pondering, so it should be my blog, and I am taking possession.

Call me a Bohemian, its okay!

Okay so im really feeling the love guys, like no seriously, like yall got me on some bout to cry type shit, lol I know im a lil bitch for sayin it but im feelin the LOVE.

To Leandria Tia Lott aka Mary Jane, Lott Roxx, Kidz Bop, Numba 5, my Back:

Member how we had that convo about how you felt like people are supposed to be in your life and you feel like if they never were life wouldnt be the same. You are it!!!! It jus omg so much joy and laughter and everything came with meeting you, and again I thank God for you everyday!

To Dorian Michele (with one L) Townsend, Dori T., I got the door Dor, sup shawty, wut it do

So lemme tell you the story, we've been in choir together since Freshman year and you always looked like a cool person to me. I would see you and I knew that you were different. Different good, different like me, different different than me too. I feel you tho on the friends no matter how many you get you'll always be the loner tho. Cause sometimes I feel like such an individual that nobody will ever really understand me, but Dorian I think you get it! To an extent I think you jus get it!

To Maya Matthews aka Lois Lane, Mizz Maya, maya-maya, Old skool rapper extraordinare

Man, where do I start, these three weeks seem like a life time. To you Maya Id like to say Thank you! Thank you for broadening my scope of things freeing my mind jus a little more than I already was. Thanks for the pick in up in life. Your like crack straight up, who cant love you Maya, its impossible not to! And if people dont FUCK them!!!! Cause ur dope, your awesome, you are rivetting and to you again I say, Thank you.

Soooooooooooo, yea thank you guys all of you, I love you to death! Thanks for excepting me and loving me right where I am and for exactly who I am. Normal people see me and they dont get it, Ive been different all my life, never knew why jus was that way, and I excepted very early in life that I was gonna be the person I was, do what I like, and really not give a crap if people didnt like it. Thanks for likin me cause it doesnt come by easy. Yea people may admire me, people may be intrigued, people mave have pretenses but yall see pass the outer and know its just an extension and expression of the deeper me. All the colors and patterns and styles are an expression of how I feel about life, how I feel about love, about truth, beauty and freedom!

-Frankie, Frank Frank, Sunflower, Front, Frankie S.

I jus wanted sushi and margaritas....damn

So last night we were supposed to get sushi and margaritas, but guess what???? Rusans was closed and R&R was closed that equates to no margaritas and no damn sushi. My girls have gone back to that fascist regime they call a dorm, whose name so handsomely fits Hale Hall, so now im upset jus a little not enough to be mad perse' (sp?) but enough to bring me down from my recent victory high. Woooooooooooooooooo and kudos to TSU football and Marching band for whooping ass two games in a row, take that A&M take that Southern take it right in the ass!!!!!!! And fuck the SWAC cause we OVC babeee!!!


So you see I had sooo much energy and when that energy crashes you dont necessarily burn you just kinda become really Blah and Blah to everything around you. I needed a jolster, a spark, a great idea to pull me from the slums of blahness but instead I got rattled questions and soggy noodles!!! So I except my Blah fate suck it up prepare my own non-soggy and very delightful Ramen noodles and I fall alseep comfortably in his lap. so with this you think everything is ok right? Well the blahness transferred itself to this morning.


Church is good, I like Church, I mean who doesnt? Well I got left! No church for me so here I am feeling lonely, blahful, and churchless!!!!!!! If nobody else can bring me from blahness I know Jesus can... so anyway church starts at 10 and I heard promises of an 11:30 return. 12:30 rolls around I pick up the phone, where I you, I text. Well are you ready for me to come get you he says? Huh I ask? what do you mean OF COURSE I AM WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PROMISES OF OUR 11:30 RECONCILIATION, I DONT WANNA BE LEFT ALONE ANOTHER IOTA OF A SECOND!!!! (Shout out to my girls for the SAI reference, eeee-ooo-ta!) Well a few of us wanted to go out to eat he says, will another hour be too long? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I say to myself because he has to be kidding me!!!! Well instead of ranting I say fine if thas what you wanna do but then he says something very interesting





"Frankie you want me to fail, and I'm not going to"





this stuck with me a bit and it made me wonder, do I really want every man that enters my life to fail me, like so many already have? Does he care so much that he wants to be the one to finally pass all of my tests and climbs over my walls (no pun intended). And to think he caters to my every detail, if he doesn't get something right he tries to fix it, all along Frankie he just wants to see you happy although he does it in his own Josh-kind of way, so I'm gonna do better no more Frankie-bitchiness cause he is trying in his own way...but from now on I do advise you when you begin seriously dating someone you should ask


"How do you like your eggs and how do you like your Ramen Noodles"


-Frankie

So who is really the fool...

I have come to realize that it takes a strong stir of emotion to motivate me to share myself with the world. I just really am very confused at how my life ended up like twilight. Was the book supposed to be some type of foreshadow on what was awaiting me? Am I to have hurt another as I was hurt with no repercussion? Most times I think I'll be better off alone, unmarried with three cats. Silly isn't it, but very true to me.

Him

With him I can grasp the stars even on the most cloudy of nights

The sun, the moon, the sky, our playground

Where we happily dream and although cliche everything is right

With him I climb the tree of life, of substance, of meaning

Every branch entangling us further

Bobbing and weaving our destinies creating our being

With him I feel myself falling being taken under by his love spell

A bit of cinnamon, a dash of cumin maybe some spice

Let it alone, give it some thought, he says, only time will tell

With him this life will not be in vain

If only to drown in his sweet aroma

And be taken under by its electrifying effects on the brain

With him up leads to down as left leads to right but right seemingly

leads to nowhere and everywhere at the same time

So here we are alone together locked and focused on each others stare

With him I'm praying to pry free from such a lustrous hold that even satan himself cannot stand

something this powerful has to be God-ordained

Something greater than the people involved could even fathom let alone understand

Is this what draws me to him, the God I see?

He who is proud and strong yet humble

If not God the most high power what could it be?

So you would think well if he is all that than why not love him, be with him, give him the essence of your being.

And my answer would be, because I have once before and I am afraid of making the same mistakes, I'm afraid of allowing this love again. When the sun is shinning of course its like a day in Honolulu but what about when it rains? This is what Ive had to think about and ponder.

And to you Jacob I apologize I know this may not be the easiest to take but I LOVE MY Edward. I love him with my life with the core of my being, sorry for not being able to make a better ending...

Bloggers Block

So I know its been a long time since my last blog but there is good reason for it. Ive been in somewhat of a dilemma. Thoughts scattered that type of thing. And the reason is not that I dont have anything to write about its just that I have no idea where to start.

Im over whelmed with occurances, activities, and emotions. I kept having this looming feeling that what i blogged about had to be profound or prophetic when in fact I realized all I really have to do is be true to myself and the rest will come natutally...

Love Thyself, Know Oneself, Be Yourself

-Frankie