Its hard to be brutally honest with yourself when you never know exactly what ur feeling or even why you feel the way you do. The feeling of no matter how happy you seem there is always this burning sadness somewhere in your heart. I don't know where this came from or when it started its just always been there. Slowing consuming me, and I think I can honestly contribute my happiness to my everlasting sorrow. This hole that lies dormant in my heart forces the greater good out of me. Otherwise I'd be and i quote "All Bad"
So it all really started this summer...
As i look across the blackened sky with tears clouding my vision, I realize once again that life is a bitch, and she just raped me again. With the pain of my broken pride but not so broken bones I pick myself up to make a journey I thought I'd never. Face scarred, hands still shaken, rage, resentment, remorse all swallowed into one frustrated trot away from all I'd ever known.
You see she was my all and all, God stragetically placed her there to bring me through, had her on assignment but Satan is crafty and busy as usual. He wedged himself right inbetween what we thought to be our happy home. Something for us that was well over due. You see we were never your average family, I was never the average kid. Mom did what she had to, maybe sold some mary jane here and some powder there. Although if she had known then what she knows now, I think she would have made better choices. But I never spent a day hungry, but I spent many a nights lonely. Only me and her, she was my all and all, all Ive ever known.
So imagine somebody telling you that everything you know and have ever leanred in life is a lie? Ha ha, imagine someone "turning your world upside down, tearing asunder your illusions, and sending the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you." Can you even imagine what that shit would feel like? Me neither and I thought I'd never have to.
I keep a steady pace as I walk through the poisoned streets of Notheast DC. Not really on alert although at this time of night I should be. Too guarded and flustered by the recent events to actually take into account any safety precaution. And too far gone to care even if the worst were to happen. Ha I laugh to myslef, "If I were kidnapped and killed right now, they would actually realize how much they care" ha ha, i burst out once more with a sadistic yet cynical laugh. A reoccuring thought to me though of how my death would move them but in life am i nothing?
But thats all for now cause its late and Im feeling so tired, having trouble sleeping....
...To be continued