Sunday, September 14, 2008

Trouble Sleeping

Its hard to be brutally honest with yourself when you never know exactly what ur feeling or even why you feel the way you do. The feeling of no matter how happy you seem there is always this burning sadness somewhere in your heart. I don't know where this came from or when it started its just always been there. Slowing consuming me, and I think I can honestly contribute my happiness to my everlasting sorrow. This hole that lies dormant in my heart forces the greater good out of me. Otherwise I'd be and i quote "All Bad"

So it all really started this summer...

As i look across the blackened sky with tears clouding my vision, I realize once again that life is a bitch, and she just raped me again. With the pain of my broken pride but not so broken bones I pick myself up to make a journey I thought I'd never. Face scarred, hands still shaken, rage, resentment, remorse all swallowed into one frustrated trot away from all I'd ever known.

You see she was my all and all, God stragetically placed her there to bring me through, had her on assignment but Satan is crafty and busy as usual. He wedged himself right inbetween what we thought to be our happy home. Something for us that was well over due. You see we were never your average family, I was never the average kid. Mom did what she had to, maybe sold some mary jane here and some powder there. Although if she had known then what she knows now, I think she would have made better choices. But I never spent a day hungry, but I spent many a nights lonely. Only me and her, she was my all and all, all Ive ever known.

So imagine somebody te
lling you that everything you know and have ever leanred in life is a lie? Ha ha, imagine someone "turning your world upside down, tearing asunder your illusions, and sending the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you." Can you even imagine what that shit would feel like? Me neither and I thought I'd never have to.

I keep a steady pace as I walk through the poisoned streets of Notheast DC. Not really on alert although at this time of night I should be. Too guarded and flustered by the recent events to actually take into account any safety precaution. And too far gone to care even if the worst were to happen. Ha I laugh to myslef, "If I were kidnapped and killed right now, they would actually realize how much they care" ha ha, i burst out once more with a sadistic yet cynical laugh. A reoccuring thought to me though of how my death would move them but in life am i nothing?

But thats all for now cause its late and Im feeling so tired, having trouble sleeping....

...To be continued


M!ZZ-M@Y@ said...

the past cannot only claim those that allow the evil to consume them. youre stronger than you even know, sweetheart. its the things that ppl do to us that we'll have to pay for, she'll be the one in debt in the end though.
its in your weakest that God will strengthen you. lean on me, on us, your friends, these are the time when there are but one set of footprints in the sand.

Sonquela said...

You know in the end, it's all comes to choices! When you can consciously say that you know the total inner man of LAW, and not the story of how LAW Begin. But what the Love of LAW created in the inner man. Than you have the right to be God and make the righteous judgment. However, All have sin... None is without sin no not one. If you have a jigsaw pizza and you are missing the smallest clue, of the puzzle you never known from the inside only but by the cover, than you can take the role to make a conscience decision to never divide. But OHHH! to work out the LAW that's within in you to deal with the Love that the law is hiding from you... Than you can stand in judgment of actions but never the righteous judge of the final authority, which don’t belongs to YOU, you do not have the right.

When you live a little longer and your understanding develops into wisdom, than your decisions will know the difference between a conscious choice of advice, and a judgment of a heard situation.

So I would encourage my friend to choose the biblical solution to the problem is very different than a humanistic approach. Why? Because the assurance that God forgives and accepts us. Even in our own agony, thoughts, mess, peace, hyprocital judgments, and everlasting love, even sleepless nights…

This is the great self-discovery of who I am in Christ then frees me and make me strong to hate and exterminate the evil in myself and to sacrifice (self-denial) my own rights and even my own welfare for others. Now I can gratefully accept what I am--- and what I am becoming--- as God’s loving gifts. Can you?

A real friend, would often say, it's not my place to judge but I know how to pray for peace eternally...

Frankie MOM