Broken Pieces

Im trying to break away from thinking I need to be around people to be happy, I did just fine by myself when I was by myself and I need to do the same now, almost like a security blanket, cause one day these people might leave and then what? That means I'll be left with them gone and a piece of me missing too, so Im trying not to give too much of that piece. Cause in the end it causes too much trouble and an abundance of heartache.


No more broken pieces

cause I dont no how long this ragged heart can stand

And pretend that it can withstand your penetration

Your determination to infiltrate its core and manipulate what it emotes

Flooding and draining its ventricles with such deceit

Coating the aorta with un-oxygenated blood, suffocating

Oh heart beat once more with pure unadulterated blood

Before you begin to pump the iron and ice that has breached

the veins before it can reach the brain

OH PUMP ONCE MORE HEART THAT WHICH IS PURE AND TRUE

because once these vessels melanize, not only has it got you

...but its got me too

Boyfriend neone?

umm iono wut the hell is wrong with me. Im honestly upset and kinda mad right now. But I cant tell you why. All i know is that I wanna be loud, rude, curse and wreck havoc on something, someone, somewhere. Iono if I like Maya's new boo, he aiight but it takes me 4ever to warm up to people. I wanted to go to the student center today but there was jus no time. This day was full and it went by fast. Not to mention me and Josh arent the best of friends right now but hey, iono. Autumn was breating all on his arm today and she actually touched him. ehh. me and dori were freakin awesome today but thaas it. That was the best part of my day. ehh.

In my mind

Good and evil, dark and light are one I the same…

So I really don’t like this topic but because I don’t have money for books this is the only one I over heard because I was half listening. I don’t believe this topic in fact I think jus the opposite. I tried to make myself see their perspective but it didn’t work. Maybe if they explained what they meant. I tried to take it as negation but that didn’t work either cause if light and dark and good and evil cancel eachother out wut will be left? I keep thinking of black and white I mean will the universe jus be gray? Lolol its so weird to think about it. I love my friends but they are entirely exhausting. I don’t like this exercise. Its dumb. I see where she is comin from but its still dumb. Ha! Ive been told I create good images, but iono cause its jus me bein me. My writing teacher is weird cause you cant really grade poetry but if you could I wonder what grades I would have received. My phone is completely off. Isn’t it sad? : ( but yea iono. Josh gave me and assignment of writing a poem by sat. ehh sometimes I wish I could just pry into other people’s head space to see what they’re thinking. That would be revolutionary and I’d be able to understand people so much more. Not that I don’t get them jus that its hard for me to care if they don’t catch my interest. And that concept I know is somewhat self centered but idk how to come outta my own head space. I think that’s part of the reason im such an individual cause I do wut I do and I like what I like and if you don’t do it or don’t like it. Oh the fuck well ho cause this is me. (dori moment) lol. So I guess ill blog this free write. Why not?

Running

I run away from everything...
I run from happiness
I run from pain
I run from reality
I run from my dreams
I run from nightmares
I run from my talent
I run from my failures
I run from my family
I run from my friends
I run from my life

and life runs from me...

Birds

Anxious, pounding, fearful

crawling, falling, failing

reasoning, rationing,

But getting nowhere..

From time to time I have these motivational spurts where I feel like i can do anything and everything. And from time to time I become so apathetic that I feel like I will literally sleep life away.

I feel guilty when..

I miss class

I eat too much 

I don't pray

I think mean thoughts

I say things without processes them

I get really angry

Where I need to be?

Somewhere in the middle

But birds can fly so high or they can shit on your head...but when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful thats how I feel about.....life

dori moment

So Josh and I are eating lunch we just sat down in the sub after getting our food. Then the random ass light skinned african from choir comes and sits down at our table. Talkin bout "WASSUP MY CHOIR PEOPLE" Nigga yo ass aint even in choir no more and you defintely werent invited to sit down at our table. But thanks for inviting yourself and runing my lunch with your "so hows the weather" random convo. And no I dont have a music appreciation book for yo ass, its on ebay. pay for it ho!

Consistency

One thing that I really cannot stand is inconsistency, especially if two people are supposed to be treated as equals. You cannot do something one day and wen the other persons does it, have a problem with it, be consistent. Again I say be effin CONSISTENT! Don’t say you are gonna do something and never call or show up, be consistent!!!!!!!! I beseech, behoove, and beg of you my brethren to be consistent!!!

Furthermore people make time for what really matters to them. A simple txt message, 30 sec of your day will not kill you! Even if the fallacy only occurred once, it only takes one time to get AIDS, it only takes one hurricane to drown a city, it only took one plane each to make the twin towers fall. You see where I'm going with this? So yea one time does count, if its remarkable enough it will stick with you. When your life gets too busy for the people you "so called" care about you should really reevaluate what is important. Life wasn’t too busy for dinner and video games was it? But everything is too busy for me right? Yea, back to that consistency theory, you should try it.

To be honest all I really want (as I was telling Dori earlier) is someone to play in my hair and tell me I'm pretty; someone to actually act like they care and not continually poke and prod at me with erroneously requests to things that are usually the norm. For you to take out some time in your busy day to say HI FRANKIE!!! Let alone give me a hug, and no you did not hug me, I remember. Next time instead of being nice about it, be consistent and say Bitch get OUT!, it'll make me feel 10x better that you were honest about your true intent instead of being led astray. Oh and another clue: when women run away, men chase after them, cause if you keep letting them go, eventually they wont come back.

Some of our greatest inspiration comes from our greatest failure...

So I thought I could dance

....Then I realized I can't.

Sooo I guess I read minds too!

So if you are feeling something and you dont say anything how is the person ever suppose to know. Goodness! Im so sick of bullshit that its not funny. Yes I am a woman, Yes I am fucking emotional especially when I see the people around me hurting and/or am hurting myself. I dont have time to explain myself when you dont even have time to tell me the damn issue

I wanna scream and say fuck it all.

So here goes

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and FUCK IT!!!

Scattered thoughts, Unstable mind

I hate coming back to my room, it depresses me... I haven't cried in a few days I think I'll just sit and have a good cry.




There, now I feel a bit worse, ha ha.

There is a wasp on the wall. Sigh Thats the second one I think they have a nest or coven or whatever you call it, somewhere nearby. Whatever if I get stung and whatever if I dont, it doesnt matter. I just wish it'd shut up its damned noise, Ill just turn my music up.

This constant compromise between thinking and breathing...

I feel so blah