Friday, March 26, 2010

Who will save me?

I never know where to start, but if I dont start I will never know where I'll finish. 

Hello world, hello blogger, hello self. It is time to tell the truth. Time to face the hurt. Time to embrace the love and all that has happened in this blog-less almost year. I havent written in so long and it isnt because ive lacked inspiration but I just dont know how to tell the story. So ive come to a decision, with my baby in the living room sleeping and I, myself, having just watched Julie and Julia, to eventually tell it all. Probably in pieces and not in chronology but itll come out some how. 

As for today, I'd bang my head on the table if it wouldn't give me a worse headache. Im physically worn and mentally hazed. Trying to connect the dots of my life and make it all make sense. Im crying from every edifice of my being but my sobs fall on deaf ears. of course they wont be heard because i cry to the wrong one. i know where my strength comes from and you would think id rely on it. but sometimes it feels so intangible, sometimes you want instant comfort, something that seems more attainable. 

How can my feelings and concerns mean nothing to you, how can my tears not move you? Outside I appear calm gotta keep it all together but inside I ravage, at night i have nightmares, and when im alone all i can do is ball up and cry. This secret hurt, this hidden pain that did not start with you but you elected yourself to take it on when you uttered the words "I love you" I told you I was broken and that i lay in pieces scattered across the canvas of this life. never to be whole again except by the pardon of his most high and you still dare to find the pieces? So many you have overlooked and im like a vase put back together with krazy glue. everything you put in will leak out of the cracks. 

I dont see how you can claim such a thing as love and not feel the ache of my heart. When my heart aches yours should just alike but instead with the ice that runs through your veins you remain silent, still, and hidden from me. So instead of looking to you I shall look inside myself and pull out everything. Im going to spill it onto this electronic notepad until there is nothing left. with God's good grace and help once again he will send my art to save me.

And you shall be named, my bipolar love. 

(side note, I apologize in advance for the bad grammar and total lack of punctuation, I just wanted to get it out) 

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