Bringing light to that which is dour,
Beauty that penetrates the three layers
Resonating and reverberating between them
Torn from home in the bosom
Shaken and thrown
She assimilates, adapted
Many at this stage apt to do
However, it is different now
A constant drumming of something amiss
Others acquire and treasure, conquer?
Perhaps, perhaps not
But still not quite abiding
No homely state, still something askew  
The others scrimmage to dominate
The light, beauty, and nature
Wars, they toil and tug until
Of home only traces remain

Subverting Ideologies? or Respressing Them.....???

I started my morning attempting to do something productive instead of wallowing in the regret of these past few months. After waking up in a borrowed room, and sleeping in a borrowed bed, I decided to do my homework that Ive been avoiding since September. There is just something about American Literature with Dr. Irby that grinds my gears. The lady is just so aloof! We were assigned to watch a video entitled Native Voices which illustrated the importance of oral tradition and the true American Narrative. Then I moved to Utopian something or another about the puritans and how they striped the land from the natives and persecuted the Quakers by cutting off their ears and slitting their noses. Lol good stuff right. I then remembered Ethnic Notions, a documentary about the evolution of black stereotypes in America, a topic we vaguely brushed in critically approaches a couple weeks ago. As I was watching the 3rd installment of the series on YouTube, I became intrigued with the way blacks were portrayed in films and media for children.

This led my thought processes to the most recent stain in black culture as it's depicted by Disney, "The Princess and the Frog". I can sit here and repeat everything that every other informed commentator has said but hey we all know she was a frog the entire movie. From that point I googled these exact words [racism + disney]. From my research I came upon a very informative website listing the 9 most racist disney films ever. Now remember, we've all grown up with the Disney classics, so any derivative of that "where dreams come true" persona is taken with disdain. However, the thing that disturbed me most as I went through the list of cartoons was my own reaction. Ive been so interpellated and conditioned that I never realized my enjoyment of these so called "family cartoons". Instead of being disgusted, i found myself tapping my foot and humming along to the jingle of "I want to be like you". When all along disney is spitting in my face, reinforcing the fact that blacks can never be comfortable in their own skin because they are always striving to be white. Striving to change their pigment and relate to something that they simply will never be. Ive been conditioned to overlook the disgraces of society and in consequence Ive become docile. Like the friendly neighborhood Sambo, saying "ye' sah masah sah". Ye sah, white man do whatever you like, stomp on my race and my pride and my people while I obediently smile. Ye sah, white man, close down our HBCU's so that we may assimilate and strive to be something God never intended us to be. "Ye sah masah" as I tap my foot and do a jig to the racist banter you call a disney masterpiece! NO SIR MASTER NOTHING!

I am not a slave. It is wounding that whenever the term "African American" is uttered the subject of slavery has become synonymous with it. Every black person today cares about race relations, I don't truly believe you can find one who does not, but most have been conditioned and trained to be submissive. No longer do we fight; we have become stagnant in our goal for change. Somehow slavery has ended with the election of Obama? But is this not the beginning? Is it not time, now more than ever to overthrow the hegemony and revolt against the ideologies that have suppressed every person who is NOT white. It is time that we no longer consider ourselves as "the other" but now we are "the standard".


If you'd like to view any of the websites and videos they are listed for you below:

http://www.cracked.com/article_15677_9-most-racist-disney-characters.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYlXpZS1YdE&feature=related

Literally Frazzled (Pun intended)

I always hate not knowing what type of mood Im in. Its a dreary Friday and we are leaving for memphis in a few hours. Everything feels the same but different. Campus is strange now, mostly because of the Freshman and other newcomers. But its more than just the unfamiliar faces.

Its me.
Im different now.

I think about different things and I have new desires. It is all so unsettling. Im just working now to close this chapter of my life. And although I may not know exactly what I want my life to be, I know this is only seasonal. So its fun, and its nice seeing friends but its all so superficial. I want something deeper. I strive to know something greater.

But you know what I wonder? When all the pieces are put together like i think they should be and i have myself "together" then what? What comes after togetherness?

Do we get ourselves together just to fall apart again? Lol, its laughable. So when I get the apartment, the car, the degree, and even the husband (as blasphemous as it may sound) what say you then life?????????

WHATS AFTER THAT?????

Another degree, car, house, another husband (lol, as blasphemous as it is two fold!) No but really. Im curious. I guess Ill just start with the now, and try to get through this literary criticism. Im pretty good at sounding like I know what Im talking about but this English stuff at its core is on an entirely different level. And im sure I can do it, I just have to sit down and do it. I strive to be the best at what I do, whatever it is that I do, and most come easy. But this is gonna take some work.

ts 7:46 on an August morning and instead of blue skies a blackness covers everything from above, with whipping winds and tumultuous rains I take this morning as a testament to the blackness of my soul. All the grim and gunk left from a loveless year of heartaches, attacks and obstacles never overcome. But you know the thing about a storm? It must pass and it cannot stay forever. So as the wind whips and the hail hits the windows, here I am. Standing in the gap for myself, speaking better things into existence. I will not live another year in regret and I will not enter it without being freed from the burdens of the past. So happy birthday to me. Wet weather and all.

Who will save me?

I never know where to start, but if I dont start I will never know where I'll finish. 


Hello world, hello blogger, hello self. It is time to tell the truth. Time to face the hurt. Time to embrace the love and all that has happened in this blog-less almost year. I havent written in so long and it isnt because ive lacked inspiration but I just dont know how to tell the story. So ive come to a decision, with my baby in the living room sleeping and I, myself, having just watched Julie and Julia, to eventually tell it all. Probably in pieces and not in chronology but itll come out some how. 


As for today, I'd bang my head on the table if it wouldn't give me a worse headache. Im physically worn and mentally hazed. Trying to connect the dots of my life and make it all make sense. Im crying from every edifice of my being but my sobs fall on deaf ears. of course they wont be heard because i cry to the wrong one. i know where my strength comes from and you would think id rely on it. but sometimes it feels so intangible, sometimes you want instant comfort, something that seems more attainable. 


How can my feelings and concerns mean nothing to you, how can my tears not move you? Outside I appear calm gotta keep it all together but inside I ravage, at night i have nightmares, and when im alone all i can do is ball up and cry. This secret hurt, this hidden pain that did not start with you but you elected yourself to take it on when you uttered the words "I love you" I told you I was broken and that i lay in pieces scattered across the canvas of this life. never to be whole again except by the pardon of his most high and you still dare to find the pieces? So many you have overlooked and im like a vase put back together with krazy glue. everything you put in will leak out of the cracks. 


I dont see how you can claim such a thing as love and not feel the ache of my heart. When my heart aches yours should just alike but instead with the ice that runs through your veins you remain silent, still, and hidden from me. So instead of looking to you I shall look inside myself and pull out everything. Im going to spill it onto this electronic notepad until there is nothing left. with God's good grace and help once again he will send my art to save me.


And you shall be named, my bipolar love. 




(side note, I apologize in advance for the bad grammar and total lack of punctuation, I just wanted to get it out) 

Testing, testing 123

I need to breathe before I lose my fucking mind... Its time to go away, far far away. *tear*