I always hate not knowing what type of mood Im in. Its a dreary Friday and we are leaving for memphis in a few hours. Everything feels the same but different. Campus is strange now, mostly because of the Freshman and other newcomers. But its more than just the unfamiliar faces.
Its me.
Im different now.
I think about different things and I have new desires. It is all so unsettling. Im just working now to close this chapter of my life. And although I may not know exactly what I want my life to be, I know this is only seasonal. So its fun, and its nice seeing friends but its all so superficial. I want something deeper. I strive to know something greater.
But you know what I wonder? When all the pieces are put together like i think they should be and i have myself "together" then what? What comes after togetherness?
Do we get ourselves together just to fall apart again? Lol, its laughable. So when I get the apartment, the car, the degree, and even the husband (as blasphemous as it may sound) what say you then life?????????
WHATS AFTER THAT?????
Another degree, car, house, another husband (lol, as blasphemous as it is two fold!) No but really. Im curious. I guess Ill just start with the now, and try to get through this literary criticism. Im pretty good at sounding like I know what Im talking about but this English stuff at its core is on an entirely different level. And im sure I can do it, I just have to sit down and do it. I strive to be the best at what I do, whatever it is that I do, and most come easy. But this is gonna take some work.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
ts 7:46 on an August morning and instead of blue skies a blackness covers everything from above, with whipping winds and tumultuous rains I take this morning as a testament to the blackness of my soul. All the grim and gunk left from a loveless year of heartaches, attacks and obstacles never overcome. But you know the thing about a storm? It must pass and it cannot stay forever. So as the wind whips and the hail hits the windows, here I am. Standing in the gap for myself, speaking better things into existence. I will not live another year in regret and I will not enter it without being freed from the burdens of the past. So happy birthday to me. Wet weather and all.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Who will save me?
I never know where to start, but if I dont start I will never know where I'll finish.
Hello world, hello blogger, hello self. It is time to tell the truth. Time to face the hurt. Time to embrace the love and all that has happened in this blog-less almost year. I havent written in so long and it isnt because ive lacked inspiration but I just dont know how to tell the story. So ive come to a decision, with my baby in the living room sleeping and I, myself, having just watched Julie and Julia, to eventually tell it all. Probably in pieces and not in chronology but itll come out some how.
As for today, I'd bang my head on the table if it wouldn't give me a worse headache. Im physically worn and mentally hazed. Trying to connect the dots of my life and make it all make sense. Im crying from every edifice of my being but my sobs fall on deaf ears. of course they wont be heard because i cry to the wrong one. i know where my strength comes from and you would think id rely on it. but sometimes it feels so intangible, sometimes you want instant comfort, something that seems more attainable.
How can my feelings and concerns mean nothing to you, how can my tears not move you? Outside I appear calm gotta keep it all together but inside I ravage, at night i have nightmares, and when im alone all i can do is ball up and cry. This secret hurt, this hidden pain that did not start with you but you elected yourself to take it on when you uttered the words "I love you" I told you I was broken and that i lay in pieces scattered across the canvas of this life. never to be whole again except by the pardon of his most high and you still dare to find the pieces? So many you have overlooked and im like a vase put back together with krazy glue. everything you put in will leak out of the cracks.
I dont see how you can claim such a thing as love and not feel the ache of my heart. When my heart aches yours should just alike but instead with the ice that runs through your veins you remain silent, still, and hidden from me. So instead of looking to you I shall look inside myself and pull out everything. Im going to spill it onto this electronic notepad until there is nothing left. with God's good grace and help once again he will send my art to save me.
And you shall be named, my bipolar love.
(side note, I apologize in advance for the bad grammar and total lack of punctuation, I just wanted to get it out)
Hello world, hello blogger, hello self. It is time to tell the truth. Time to face the hurt. Time to embrace the love and all that has happened in this blog-less almost year. I havent written in so long and it isnt because ive lacked inspiration but I just dont know how to tell the story. So ive come to a decision, with my baby in the living room sleeping and I, myself, having just watched Julie and Julia, to eventually tell it all. Probably in pieces and not in chronology but itll come out some how.
As for today, I'd bang my head on the table if it wouldn't give me a worse headache. Im physically worn and mentally hazed. Trying to connect the dots of my life and make it all make sense. Im crying from every edifice of my being but my sobs fall on deaf ears. of course they wont be heard because i cry to the wrong one. i know where my strength comes from and you would think id rely on it. but sometimes it feels so intangible, sometimes you want instant comfort, something that seems more attainable.
How can my feelings and concerns mean nothing to you, how can my tears not move you? Outside I appear calm gotta keep it all together but inside I ravage, at night i have nightmares, and when im alone all i can do is ball up and cry. This secret hurt, this hidden pain that did not start with you but you elected yourself to take it on when you uttered the words "I love you" I told you I was broken and that i lay in pieces scattered across the canvas of this life. never to be whole again except by the pardon of his most high and you still dare to find the pieces? So many you have overlooked and im like a vase put back together with krazy glue. everything you put in will leak out of the cracks.
I dont see how you can claim such a thing as love and not feel the ache of my heart. When my heart aches yours should just alike but instead with the ice that runs through your veins you remain silent, still, and hidden from me. So instead of looking to you I shall look inside myself and pull out everything. Im going to spill it onto this electronic notepad until there is nothing left. with God's good grace and help once again he will send my art to save me.
And you shall be named, my bipolar love.
(side note, I apologize in advance for the bad grammar and total lack of punctuation, I just wanted to get it out)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
How I long to see the Cumberland...
You will never be able to see the good in people if you always focus on their flaws...
For every 10 things you do correctly be prepared to be noticed for the 1 thing you do wrong...
If it was as easy as picking up my stuff and leaving I would have been gone 2 months ago, but its not... I don't want to be here as much as you don't want me here... What will ever be solved by a yelling match, absolutely nothing. If you never come and tell me anything until you are upset about it, how can I possibly know??? Alot of the time you have to SPELL THINGS OUT FOR ME, yes I may be bright, but I miss simple things. I really just don't get it, when you are mad you storm around and don't talk to me and I don't read minds. I ask you whats wrong and you always reply "Nothing" But once you have your mind made up about something then thats the end of that. How do you ever expect to be able to resolve things if you are so quick to react. I'm analyzing the situation not just from how I feel but trying to understand how you feel too. But do you really expect your message to be heard if you are screaming??? Idk, just a thought.
Ha ha and after reading through that I pretty much just described myself, weird huh, anyway.
I actually thought I was doing pretty good, staying on top of the curve, I guess not. Granted I could keep my room a little more tidy, clothes everywhere, one of my Frankism that I have to work on. Even if I get better, it probably still wont be good enough, or clean enough, or straight enough.
Sigh, Blogger Im just so ready to get back to Nashville and I wish my plan and path was clear cut. I wish I knew exactly what God had in store for me. Whatever it is it must be great for all the hell that I have been through. I feel like I'm wasting away here. The time has begun to merge, Monday is Friday, Friday is Tuesday and lord knows when Saturdays come around. I miss my sisters and I miss school and I miss using this darn brain of mine. Im going to commit to setting a clear goal for each and everyday. Its time for that to do list! . But I knew this day would come, it was just a matter of when... And I must say we've done pretty well, a good 4 months, lol. But Im not meant to be here for long, this is just a season. Hmmmmm the water is still running, dont know if I should turn it off, I might get yelled at! They say with each generation things are supposed to be better. I hope to do better with Samiya and not leave any room for miscommunication. You know that is the root of most destroyed relationships. How can you possible know if the person never tells you or if you don't exactly understand what they are trying to tell you. Well I think Im done ranting...
Oh Cumberland we shall meet again
For every 10 things you do correctly be prepared to be noticed for the 1 thing you do wrong...
If it was as easy as picking up my stuff and leaving I would have been gone 2 months ago, but its not... I don't want to be here as much as you don't want me here... What will ever be solved by a yelling match, absolutely nothing. If you never come and tell me anything until you are upset about it, how can I possibly know??? Alot of the time you have to SPELL THINGS OUT FOR ME, yes I may be bright, but I miss simple things. I really just don't get it, when you are mad you storm around and don't talk to me and I don't read minds. I ask you whats wrong and you always reply "Nothing" But once you have your mind made up about something then thats the end of that. How do you ever expect to be able to resolve things if you are so quick to react. I'm analyzing the situation not just from how I feel but trying to understand how you feel too. But do you really expect your message to be heard if you are screaming??? Idk, just a thought.
Ha ha and after reading through that I pretty much just described myself, weird huh, anyway.
I actually thought I was doing pretty good, staying on top of the curve, I guess not. Granted I could keep my room a little more tidy, clothes everywhere, one of my Frankism that I have to work on. Even if I get better, it probably still wont be good enough, or clean enough, or straight enough.
Sigh, Blogger Im just so ready to get back to Nashville and I wish my plan and path was clear cut. I wish I knew exactly what God had in store for me. Whatever it is it must be great for all the hell that I have been through. I feel like I'm wasting away here. The time has begun to merge, Monday is Friday, Friday is Tuesday and lord knows when Saturdays come around. I miss my sisters and I miss school and I miss using this darn brain of mine. Im going to commit to setting a clear goal for each and everyday. Its time for that to do list! . But I knew this day would come, it was just a matter of when... And I must say we've done pretty well, a good 4 months, lol. But Im not meant to be here for long, this is just a season. Hmmmmm the water is still running, dont know if I should turn it off, I might get yelled at! They say with each generation things are supposed to be better. I hope to do better with Samiya and not leave any room for miscommunication. You know that is the root of most destroyed relationships. How can you possible know if the person never tells you or if you don't exactly understand what they are trying to tell you. Well I think Im done ranting...
Oh Cumberland we shall meet again
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
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