.......

I'm really just sick of everything,

If I could be terribly honest right now the truth hurts like hell. But I really feel like I don't even want this baby anymore, just so I could completely and utterly eradicate him from my life. BUT I CANT. So I'm stuck hating him and hating myself for my stupid decisions. For thinking just because he was educated, intelligent, and talented that he was different from any other Nigga. (excuse my language) No I'm sorry but Ive been fooled, cause at the end of the day he is still another Nigga, no better than the ones on the corner selling dope or working at the fast food joint. He ain't nothin, and I was fooled. I allowed myself to be tricked I thought it was gonna be different. He PROMISED it would be different and I believed him but he lied, and I lied to myself by believing him.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...

This came to me yesterday, I kinda had a rough day, mentally anyway, and I said this to myself


"I'm waiting for the beauty that comes after the pain"


So this is the kind of mindset Im trying to keep, I looked at all the pregnancy websites and they said week 23 is a rough one as far as mood swings and hormonal influence. Im still hangin in there though.

And the night just gets better

I just found out operation repo is not real... I love that show! It comes on TRUtv and they repossess peoples cars and the people get mad!!! ha ha like really mad, but google isnt always a good thing cause sometimes you find out things you dont wanna know. Sigh, I feel terribly misled. Suposedly its all scripted and they are just actors. It all kinda makes sense now because if a big tattoo'd lady dressed like an emo approached my car and cursed me out, I'd be mad too. Oh well some things you just have to get over, Im still gonna watch it! NEW EPISODES EVERY MONDAY AT 9pm est!!!!!

A little more broken hearted

Ehh, ever been really looking forward to something, like one of those secret little joys that you hold onto in the mist of everything else thats going on. Yea it was like that. I never expected it in a million years, no like seriously. I think my heart is a little more broken. It may not be that crucial in the grand scale of life, but its something that means a great deal to me, something that I had hoped to share. It hurts but I've decided Im not gonna cry, there are plenty of other things to cry about.

A little lighter

I love nights like these, the ones that remind you of the older times. Its funny how you can be so wrapped up in what has been placed in front of you that you dont bother to look ahead or behind. Its like your mental capacity cant go farther than that place until something snatches you away from it. And tonight I was snatched. Snatched back to a time where the world was just a little lighter, and the weight of everyday life wasnt resting unstably on my shoulders. Not necessarily a happier time, happier would be the wrong word, but lighter. It was easier to joke, easier to smile, still some trials, but laughing wasnt such a struggle, ya know. I think Ive been taking myself a little too seriously. Maybe I should lighten up. Still take care of business but it wouldnt hurt to lighten up.

I dont know why I continue to torture myself...

Literature Overload!

For some reason Im just terribly frazzled today. Im jittery, I slept, but not too well, the baby was doing acrobatics in my stomach this morning as usual but idk, Im just weird and jittery and I cant focus. I guess cause I just took this World Lit midterm and its making me crazy, Ive actually been going around talking in 17th century English prose, well in my head at least, lol. Im tripping though. I need to relax before this history test at 3 o clock. I didnt even want to eat my yogurt this morning but I forced myself. I dreamt about Prospero the entire night thats probably whats wrong with me, its a Literature overload!!!!! Which further proves why ALL english professors are crazy. I love the humanities, but Ill scream if I have to cram my head with another theme, genre, or century of origin.
So long sanity, I bid thee farewell!

My forgotten mistress

I charged my ipod today, after months without my ipod charger, lol, it happened to be in that black purse that ma bought for christmas. Ha ha! Love you ma! But yea, I miss music, my forgotten mistress, Ive been so focused on school and the woes of life that I havent taken the time out to enjoy the things that I used to. Like tuning out the entire world, bumping to my ipod and unknowingly mean-muggin people in the process. lol! How I miss those days! I was gonna buy dori's ipod but I really think Im gonna wait, I couldnt bear to erase all the music on that 30-gig masterpiece, it feels like it should be a sin to destroy such a collection.
But everything on my ipod is all mushy and love-like, Im such an optimist at the end of the day but its gotten easier to just be numb to love and all the stupid things that come with it. Im convinced that being in love is partial insanity. People do some really stupid things when they've been bitten. I'd be lying if I said I didnt miss him. (I seem to be using that line alot lately, lol) but Im thinking maybe its just the idea of him that I miss and not him himself. You know what I mean?
Anyway, Im done rambling, just happy to have her back, I know she has missed me so.